I’ve tried to write this a lot of times over the past 22 years. There are probably 3 versions of this on this website already. I want to get this out right now, and I don’t want to try to make it ‘artful’. I just want to blurt it out, because it’s something that I need to say and I need to get it out here so I can heal and move past this. I won’t use all the right words. I am running out of time and I am moving on to greener pastures and I actually cannot afford to worry about this stupid bullshit any longer.
I want you to know that I tried. I really, really tried. And I feel like a failure. Sure, I’ve probably done a thousand thousand things that would’ve been difficult to impossible for anyone else to do. But— even though I got Verified on YouTube, I never got Verified on Twitter. I never got Verified on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok; et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. Yadda yadda yoo. I don’t know what would have made me feel whole, or at peace. All I know, is, not being able to figure out how to get Verified on Twitter makes me feel like a failure.
And I don’t know why. I did so many other great things. Being a Checkmark is not what I wanted: just like I don’t want a Wikipedia page or any presence on any Wikimedia Foundation property, the allure was about how can I do this?. How can I get something past these bastards?. And not being able to do that— well. Actually, I got a few things past Wikipedia. More than a few things.
But, Twitter? Not fuckin’ really. And I didn’t even want to be a checkmark: the mark would’ve made my account feel dirty. It’s that, I wanted to achieve something. I was eligible; I wanted to get accepted. I’m not a fan of unfairness, and the fact that I ticked all the boxes and they still kept me out? I just kept trying to get in. I didn’t actually want to be in. I mean, shit; I got accepted into MENSA. You think I wanted to be in that group, either? Fuck no. I hate sekrit klubs.
I guess I’m rationalizing. Sour Grapes and all that jazz. And even though I pretty much fucking ruined the United States through shitposting?
I just wanted something more. Just one more win.
Just one more.
But that one more win turns into a thousand. It’s like doing coke; freebasing. As Richard Pryor once said, ‘we only ‘base on the weekends’, and that weekend stretches to Wednesday.
I never made the perfect website.
And I don’t think that I could have. I don’t think that, even if all copyright concerns and legal concerns were lifted, that I could have made what I wanted to. I’m not a graphic designer; CSS is fucking confusing. I don’t think I can make something that looks super duper great. Brilliant. It’s been 28 fucking years. I think that I want to stop. I think that I want to stop trying.
The website has to eventually come out. But, that’ll be it, for me. I don’t think I’ll be trying to make it ‘better’. I think this is all I can do; and I think that— no, I know that— I have much better things to do.
I kind of wanted to come out at the end, a winner. but the Internet is so fucking crazy, nowadays— I don’t know.
I just don’t know anymore.
I don’t think I have time for this anymore.
I tried. I really did try.
And I feel like a failure, because I didn’t get Verified a few different places; or, only one. But I never wanted to be anyone famous. I just wanted to be able to counter all the stupid shit that evil people did. And, now, I’m beginning to realize that, save for a few very interesting circumstances, that is not my place.
The world is such a confusing thing to me. There are so many moving parts. And I don’t know if I accept my role in it all. I don’t think that I want to accept any sort of limitations. But I do know that, the more I try to control everything, the less actual control that I have. See, when I try to control things that are wholly mine, I maintain that control. It’s not hard to keep that. But when I try to be everybody’s hero? Well. That doesn’t go so well for me.
I have a domain. And I’m good in that domain.
I just really fear leaving you all here. You need so much help, and, I just don’t think I’m equipped, or in the right situation, to give it.
I also don’t think you actually appreciate it.
As J’raxis once said, vale.
I’m in the in-between stages, now. The doldrums; a transitionary state, where I’m giving up the pleasures of this World, and going back to the one that I actually fit into.
I don’t know how I’m going to maintain these websites. I don’t know what content will be destroyed, or left up.
I don’t know anymore. I don’t even know what this website is for.