A Look Back on an Internet Career

This will later appear on the main website. On my ‘About’ page.

When I was a kid, I wanted 2 things: stability, and an Internet Empire.

By ’empire’, I mean, multiple websites, frequently updating, with lots of content, and lots of visitors. This was back when CGI Visitor Counters where still a thing. (You can barely make them anymore.) As time went on, I began to realize that the Internet was the nemesis of stability— and, thus, my Happiness. (Constantly attending to online affairs, as well, is the closest I’ve ever felt to being emotionally poisoned.)

I simply do not have the time to attend to the Internet like it seems to want to be attended to. And as time goes on, and I live more and more of my life in the real world… I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t want to update my social media. I don’t want to aspire to raise my numbers, or post unique content for viewers who may or may not be there. Even if I had a hundred million people looking at my stuffs, I think that would only make me post less. (Human beings are not nice, nor good people.)

When I say that I don’t want to do this anymore, moreover, I want to state that I am choosing to not do this anymore. I am choosing to abandon certain aspects of my online life. (After all– after a dozen years of trying on Twitter, and 16 on YouTube, why bother?)

As it stands right now, I have the website visitors that I’ve always wanted. I have the eyes. Now, I am working on the content.

But I want a life.

Something separate from this.

My soul can no longer live on the Internet.

The people on here are not good enough to allow it to thrive.


For the longest, I sought out excitement because it filled the hole in my soul. As I slip deeper into reality, and I interact with people I actually love, that hole is being filled. More and more, I do not hurt. I am not lonely. I feel fulfilled. There is calm inside my heart, now.

And that is why I no longer seek ‘fame’, nor excitement.

Because I have something to lose, now.

Before I reconnected with my step-Family, I sought, for lack of a better word, ‘Fame’, online. It seemed like a game; it kept the suicidal thoughts at bay. Distracting myself kept me alive— if not sane. It was my substitute for stability. (It is a poor one.)

It, like my ‘Quest’ for Verification, was also a multipart game. Of proving that I was smarter than the people who hurt me; who gatekept things away from me, and tried to keep them out of my hands. If I could get Verified— I would have successfully slipped through their fingers. I got out of their grasp.

I’d won… and they’d lost.

But, after 7 years of trying, what have I ‘won’? I don’t like this. Twitter is about to do away with the very thing that I tried to get, 43 times. What was it worth? What was the point? Did I waste my time?

What does a high follower count glean you but more abuse? What do more views get you, if nobody is even really listening? What is the point of being famous; of being known; if you want nothing that Fame can facilitate for you? If attention itself embarrasses you?

There is, by and large, no point to any of this anymore. It might have kept me alive, at one point. But now, it seems useless. Being Verified wouldn’t even help me with my current task— what a shame.

I know what to do, now, though. I make my books. There is no longer any doubt as to the straitness of my Path.

I look back on these old amusements, however, and I wonder

Were you all necessary? Was there any wasted time?

Or was it all necessary for my own development?

I don’t know.