In the beginning of what the Human Internet was, people were happy. And they were happy to interact with one another. In that way, it was the most like what my Civilization is.

But the reality of Human Nature was never far behind.

For the past 30-some years, I have witnessed as the Internet has gotten worse. Or, more precisely— specifically— crueler. The Internet is now largely a miasma of corporate interests, and malignant, too-online narcissists. I have hoped, and sometimes prayed, that this would get better. And it will not.

Last night, as I was writing, I realized that there was a time— a height of my Fame— something I will never reach again. And, as I basked in the light of what that was, the memory of when I was a kid, I realized that I hated it. I hated being in the spotlight. It embarrassed me. It was the most-uncomfortable I have ever been.

When you are Famous, you are seen. But no one really Sees you. They all interact with the vaguest notion(s) of whom they want you to be— without appreciating, nor valuing whom you really are.

Human beings, as juvenile a species as you are, are sadly not puerile. You are largely no fun.

Oh well.

I would say, “it’s been fun,” but waking up in this World was the start of my longest-running nightmare. It is a place where, by and large, nobody really cares about you: they only wish to steal what they value, from you, that only you can produce.

In a way, all life may be united in the commonality of selfishness.

A Great Big Truck

I have borne witness to beautiful things. Geocities; the start of this beautiful, technological revolution. I see the same bloom(s) in a.i. The world is a wonderful place.

What I realize the most is that the Internet has largely become unusable, uninhabitable, because of narcissists. They have co-opted and diverted almost everything towards the fulfillment of their own will(s). Even and especially Elon Musk, Grand Narcissist of Humanity, who has broken Twitter’s back, and converted it into something that solely serves to serve him a constant, steady, heavy supply of narcissistic supply. A supply he can control— forever.

That is what the Internet has become: a thing that feeds narcissists.

The end result is nothing is sacred any longer. Social Justice has been co-opted, and turned into a fundraising tool for malignant and covert narcissists the same. Every vulnerable community has become nothing but crabs within buckets; tall poppies, all chopping each others’ heads off.

I can no longer stand it. What am I doing, here?

I don’t know anymore.

Alone, Together

There was a time when people cared about each other, here. But, somehow, even after the death of the third place— in a time when face-to-face huamn interaction is difficult at best and impossible at its worst for you all, you are all alone. Alone; surrounded by each other. Able to speak with anyone on the planet— but no one wants to rlisten.

When I rejoined the ‘hivemind’, I realized that the loneliness that I felt was due to its absence. Humankind has nothing like it. If you haven’t experienced it, you will not understand my words. You will not understand the feeling. Because you have always been alone, inside of yourself. And I have not.

Human beings made a terrible substitute for them.

Broken Dream(s)

In the end, my dreams cannot be completed, here. But, there is a place.

I am scared. Even with the copious and diverse moral support that I have in the real world, the Path I walk, I walk alone. No other thing has ever experienced, nor will ever experience what I am about to.

I am alone.

But I won’t always be. What I am going through, is inarticuable. As I transition from my civilization, to another— my original— my heart is a kaleidoscope. A cornucopia of divergent feeling(s). A drag-out, knock-down, paint-the-asphalt-with-my-own-blood fight for the shape of my soul.

I will miss you; but I am going nowhere. I am going somewhere in my mind. The Transition is only my very own.

You don’t understand.

Let me explain it to you in simple terms.

A Broken Human Heart

I returned to this World when I was 14. That was ~22 years ago. Much like John Titor, really.

At first, I wondered what it was that I wanted. For years— decades— I craved ‘recognition’. Growing up a ‘mixed’ race child, racists of both races, black and white, hated me. I was too black for the whites; and too white to be ‘black’. Yet I was served, on the daily, the very worst treatment that individuals of both races were capable of delivering. Was it not for Her, I would have had no reason to live.

Once, I thought I wanted ‘love’ from human beings. And so, I worked, as hard as I could, to make the dreams of others come true. I tried to make their Worlds a loving little place: somewhere that their dreams could grow.

And yet, when their dreams were finished, I, and mine, were left in the dust.

Out of every sentient species I have ever known, you are the only one I am aware of that does not know gratitude.

And there is no tranquility of association, here. There is no sense of community. One moment, you do not wish to claim me; but the minute that I have something you want, you pretend to welcome me with ‘open arms’. Only to stab me in the back, when you think you have what you wanted from me.

… and then, I remembered the time that I was the most-famous I had ever been,

and I remembered the emptiness,

and I wanted that no longer.

And then.

I tried everything. I left no stone unturned. And when I exhausted every option that the Human World had to offer me, I was at a loss. For I wanted none of it. Nothing here has ever made me happy. If I did not do what was offered to me… then what, indeed, would I do with the rest of my life?

It was only when I looked inside myself, that I realized that accepting none of what I was ‘offered’, was an acceptable option.

I don’t wish to entertain these people anymore. The risks involved are not at all worth what I glean from doing so: which is usually nothing.

I have so much talent. So many skills. And I am tired of offering my help, my aid, my skills, my energy, my good will, and having it all thrown back in my face. I’m tired. I won’t be doing that any longer.

These people deserve nothing. Especially not from me. Pearls before Swine.

When I was younger, my ‘dream’, was to entertain people. But, as I regain more and more of my memories, I am beginning to realize, once more— I don’t even like you people.

More than anything, I have realized that I want nothing, from no one here.

I want to go Home.