I should note that, this is in no way, shape, nor form, any sort of attempt to bully Twitter into doing what I want. I don’t give a shit; nobody listens to me, and this isn’t going to change that. I’m just complaining, because I am pissed.
Twitter has always been characteristically hostile towards me when it comes to answering my reports. Whether it’s the time I watched one of their staff actively campaign to get me banned because they didn’t like me, or the time when somebody threatened to come to my house and shoot me, and one of their staff said, well that ain’t reportable, I don’t really trust these chucklefucks.
Today I woke up and got a ‘wild hair’ and decided, fuck it: we’re doing something about the person who’s impersonating me on Twitter. This is one out of probably 9 total over the course of the last decade, and Twitter just doesn’t give a single shit. Their policy for ‘parody accounts’ to be held harmless is also a pain in the ass, because humans just slap ‘parody/satire’ on their account and use that as an excuse to keep harassing me.
I sent a second report in about this one account. They attached it to the first, and then shoved this in my face:
What do you fucking mean, ‘Thanks’? No ‘thanks’. Come back here. We’re not done.
This account in particular is claiming to be me. ‘It must portray another person or business in a misleading or deceptive manner’. How is lying that you’re me not misleading or deceptive?
I sent in a third report. This time, because they’re fucking with my brand.
You really have no idea what you’re doing, huh?
Let’s break this down because this doesn’t make any sense.
- They need me to confirm that I’m an authorized representative of the company or organization. I’M NEITHER. I REPORTED THIS AS SOMEBODY DILUTING MY BRAND.
- ‘If your report was filed from an email domain associated with the company or organization, please reply to this message to confirm you have access to the email.
- A… a’ight. This still isn’t a company or an organization. I submitted the report, to protect my personal ‘brand’.
What do you fucking mean, ‘refile your report using an email associated with the domain from the company or organization’? Why the fuck does everybody want me to be a company, just to get basic support? I’m not demanding that people wait on me hand and foot; this is not about demanding special treatment. I am fucking demanding proper, logical treatment. When somebody breaks the rules and impersonates me, don’t tell me to just go away.
I AM NOT DEMANDING SPECIAL TREATMENT. I AM DEMANDING THAT YOU ACTUALLY FUCKING ENFORCE THE RULES THAT YOU MADE UP. Come the fuck on! It’s been like this for probably Twitter’s entire existence! (I wasn’t really ‘present’ there until like ~2010.) You gotta eventually start enforcing your rules, one day! Right?
What I’m fucking pissed about is getting rejected when I know I fit the criteria. That’s what all this has ever been about. If I send Twitter a report about somebody threatening to kill me, and Twitter says, ‘they’re not threatening to kill you’, Twitter is full of shit. Try again, assholes.
There is a person who has been impersonating me for a little over a fucking year. They have done nothing in the account’s lifetime but use it to harass people, call them slurs, and be a general nuisance. I don’t fucking need that attached to my name. And while it is definitely true that I haven’t, and probably will never care about my ‘reputation’, this asshole’s breaking the rules. Don’t piss up my dick and tell me I’m cumming. Do something according to the rules you made up.
Before this, when several other people just made accounts with similar usernames to mine and harassed people, Twitter eventually banned them for spamming, or abuse. But they never gave a single shit about impersonation!
I’m used to people not caring about me. Fucking care about me.
I know these are people (the rank-and-file workers at Twitter) don’t deserve to be verbally abused; this post isn’t yelling at them, but at the strange, bizarre, and useless reporting apparatus that somebody else who is these people’s boss, has made. If you don’t drink warm milk out of a martini glass while sitting in an ice bath, I’m not yelling at you. Okay? :3
The workers (as my friend Junon used to call it, ‘phone monkeys’) are always to be held harmless. I’m pissed at Twitter, and, in particular, the specific individuals who were working at Twitter, who did shit like try to get me permabanned just because they didn’t like me. Or, the ones who did nothing when I reported child pornography and bestiality that was posted on the service.
You know. Those fuckheads.
And that’s not conjecture, by the way: around 2011, I got mistakingly banned. Twitter, a week later, sent me a letter of apology. But not before I witnessed as the moderators back then openly debated whether or not they liked me. The only reason I know this is because one of the moderators, to the best of my knowledge, sent me a transcript of the intracompany ‘chat’ they had, deciding my fate. So my paranoia and lack of desire to contact Twitter is well-justified.
At the head of this, as I began to write, I thought I would have to fucking write out a signed statement that I am myself, then make a fucking business card up out of nowhere (I haven’t had business cards in 20 years); then give them my driver’s license. I don’t give a shit: I give Twitter my driver’s license something like twice every month, trying to get Verified. Back when some goon was trying to get me permabanned behind the scenes, I had to give Twitter my home address. They know me. Back in 2014, Twitter’s staff started following me in droves.
That’s not bragging. You don’t want Twitter workers following you. It’s a prelude to gettin’ memoryholed.
That’s all for right now. This isn’t made as a way to ‘stick it’ to them; I’d just like to publicly catalog this, because—
Every time I contact Twitter Support, I’m expecting to get banned. So this is my public record, leading up to what might be my ultimate Twitter ‘demise’.
Honestly, when it comes to Twitter, the people running it are more capricious than your average narcissist. You can’t trust these people, and I want to keep this all straight in my head, somewhere where it can ostensibly be archived forever. Or, at least, longer than it takes me to lose a physical piece of paper IRL.
What a crock of shit. I know damn well if you impersonate somebody they deem important, it’s an instant ban. They just don’t give a shit about me.
So it fucking goes.
For a little taste of what my impersonator has been spewing out, just for the fun of it, I’m going to give you examples of what they’ve said under my fucking name:
- Multiple uses of the n-word, to disparage both black people and people in the Middle East
- Ethnic slurs in general
- Multiple cases of them telling others to kill themselves
- Racism against people from India
And, just the li’l cherry on the top,
a search on Twitter shows that they were collaborating with another person who was impersonating me.
This has been going on for at least the past 4 years, maybe 5 or 6. Do something, my dudes.
I should also note that this person, or this group of people who has apparently been endeavoring ot impersonate me for at least the last 4 years, probably are also the source of a particularly-vicious rumor that I was fucking my sister.
I’M AN ONLY CHILD. What the Hell, Internet?
UPDATE: as expected, their response is dumber than Hell.
What fucking ‘company’? I reported this as Brand. My own goddamned brand. What do you want me to write, that I’m myself and I’m the authorized representative of me? Also also, WHAT THE LIVING SHIT HAPPENED TO THE WHOLE ‘reply to this e-mail” THING? THAT WASN’T FUCKING ENOUGH FOR YOU?? You’re just CHANGING the rules, now???
This is really disgusting.
So, in order to successfully report a person impersonating me, wreaking havoc on my image,
I HAVE TO GIVE TWITTER A BUSINESS CARD.
Y’know what? Fuck you, Twitter.
Twitter has always been bad at this and I doubt they’re gonna ever get any better. As of right now, I’m putting it out of my mind. I’m not making business cards, because they’re just gonna tell me to go fuck myself, anyways.
I do understand that I might have inadvertently filed the last report under the wrong category— perhaps they did not mean ‘brand’ in the same way. However, I’m also getting stonewalled.
And to that, I say— fuck it.
I have to try.
How This Ended
(September 18th, 2021)
Twitter didn’t care, didn’t do anything, and the people are still impersonating me.