Google Verification, and other Mysteries

I got Verified on Google.

What does it mean? In theory, nothing. In practice, also nothing.

I woke up yesterday, to see this. And, not to be a shithead, but I have to complain.

Don’t get me wrong: it was the first time in a long time that I’ve checked my e-mail, and smiled, and had a reason to get out of bed, to pway wif something new.

But I have to complain.

Because that button does nothing.

It only kicks me back to Google Search, in which I see… this.

Behold, ladies and jellyspoons: my Google Knowledge Panel.

Well, one and a third of one, it seems.

I got this because I recently published a book about space aliens.

So there’s the Google Knowledge Panel for that. (Ignore the strange line through my name. I don’t know, either.)

What happens if I click my name, down there?

I get this.

Quite famously, I made 3 separate attempts, to claim this. I was declined every single time. I only succeeded when another knowledge panel, showed up.

Each and every time I tried to claim the above, last-aforementioned knowledge panel, I got this message:

So. . . they can’t. . . find it? Even when I gave them the direct link to it, they said, they couldn’t find it.

But they could find the other one, because I’ve claimed that one, and it’s Verified. I’m Verified.

. . .

So are Google Knowledge Panels for authors of books published on Google Books, not really Knowledge Panels? They certainly don’t seem to be treated the same. Even if you can see them, link to them, and so on, and so forth? I can see it, there; but I can’t claim it. And I can’t find it in the Google Knowledge Panel search.

Don’t worry, it gets worse.

None of this shit re: Verification works. On any platform. It’s clear as fuckin’ day that this is a system that they don’t really care about, that’s just designed to give people some sort of carrot-and-stick, for some reason. It’s not a high priority, because, quite obviously, it’s not intended to be used by very many people.


The Trouble Begins

I decided to write this article because I saw somebody else write one. Their experience is similarly comical.

They’ve written more.

That being said, for me, I knew something was wrong, when I found some sort of interface, that seems to be related to the panel. But, it’s obviously just grafted-on. They didn’t really care about this.

Here, let me show you.

This is what you see when you try to manage users who can do things with your Google Knowledge Panel.

As you can probably tell, nothing here is particularly interesting.

The meat-and-bones of the thing is located wherein you add an authorized user. This is what they see.

Notice how nothing is really interesting but “Your public page”. What’s that?

I clicked it.

It leads to a 404 page, consistently.

What the hell is this?

Interestingly, several profiles exist on this subdomain, and they’re all public profiles. So I think that’s what it should have been.

But it’s apparently region-locked to India? Or at least only people from India have figured out how to get one of those?


Posts on Google

One of the finer points of being Verified on Google, is that, at least according to other people who have been Verified, you get to post on Google. Like, directly on the Search. This is how people get their videos to show up in their Google Knowledge Panel, apparently.

And if it isn’t, then this is really weird.

In case the link ever 404’s, here’s a screenshot of what it is. A short video of someone making Dandelion shortbread cookies. (Sounds so yummy.)

For whatever fucking reason, youtube-dl knows how to extract those videos. So, even though I cannot find any documentation as to what channel dot google dot com actually is, the parser knows how to parse it. It fell back on the generic information extractor; but I didn’t really think Google wouldn’t guard their videos?

Anyways.

Interestingly, all of this seems to be hosted on channel dot google dot com, which, for the most part, is very mysterious. It seems Google is running some sort of India-only pilot program, similar to how Google apparently runs a forum for people in India to see what kind of content people are Googling. (This is why there’s sometimes a, ‘Ask a Question’ box, at the bottom of mobile Google searches. That’s where your question goes: to a forum that people in India can peruse.)

But if that’s the case, then…

… I don’t know. Well, here’s the thing: whatever channel dot google dot com is, it’s hosting content used by Posts on Google. (Which, somewhat confusingly, seems to insist on existing at ‘posts dot with google dot com’.

Back past last September, apparently, “Posts on Google is not open to every entity”. Which would be fine, if that were fucking true right now. And it’s not. It’s supposed to be open to everybody, now, but that explanation, I feel, is what I’m going to get, when support gets back to me.

I understand the concept of load-balancing, and testing, and just plain not giving things out to certain people, because they’re your things to give out. But I detest the legalese-sounding, ‘politi-esque’, that’s being spewed, to justify what you’re doing. (‘Politi-esque,’ meaning, similar to how a police officer would speak: telling you something that you are not allowed to question.)

I also understand that it’s incredibly dangerous to give just anybody with a Knowledge Panel— it, itself, the panel, being something that gets automatically generated, without nary a human eye on it— the power to post fucking anything on Google, just because somebody claimed it, and was Verified.

I don’t make this argument, as in, ‘give it to me; I want it, and I deserve it.’

I make this argument, as in,

your fucking front page says that you can get Verified and post immediately to Google Posts what the shit dude


“Get verified and start posting today.”

Let me post.


What the shit does being Verified on Google even mean?

I’m Verified on Amazon. That means less than nothing, but at least I get a shop.

I was Verified on Vid.me. That meant something, because those people were nice, and kind to me. And every time I talk about them, I promote their latest endeavor, for free. Because I appreciate how kind they were to me. Currently, they seem to be working on Knowable.fyi, a platform that provides ‘Fun, 10-min daily audio lessons from top thinkers, experts, and authors + weekly live discussions.’

Amusingly, no, I did not get paid to say that. This is just the sort of loyalty you get out of me, when you treat me with kindness.

I have been Verified on Pornhub 3 times. And de-verified twice.

That was fun.

I didn’t do anything. Pornhub just glitched out and it was hilarious.

But I don’t think being Verified on Google means much of anything. For you see, kidlings, the only thing that really matters, is Twitter Verification. And maybe Facebook, and Instagram. But, even then, Twitter’s verification recently changed, making it virtually meaningless, even worse than before. Who knows?

The thing is, though, I have nothing much to show for it, being Verified. Unless something’s broken— and, quite honestly, it seems uniformly broken, in a way that they’re not being mean to me: it’s just, shit’s fucked, and they’re not really fixing it. Probably because it’s so dang complex.

Oh, why does Twitter verification matter?

Because they made this stupid shit up in the first place.


I just want to make something perfectly clear.

I’m not some big muckity-muck, thinking that I deserve special treatment. I don’t think that about myself. I’m writing this because I’m mostly curious of, and a modicum frustrated by, the process of Google Verification. I like investigating things like this because I feel that they’re ‘open secrets’; they’re things that humans don’t want me to put my hands on. And I want to. I want to put my hands on them, and show them to the world. Gives me a sexual thrill.

Not really.

You get my meaning.

It’s just so fucking disappointing that, every time I get Verified, it’s fucking nothing. There are no real ‘frills’. I’m Verified on Amazon: it means I’m allowed to have my own shoppe, and, I can stream some sort of QVC-like show on Amazon. Huh?? What? Who? Who the fuck would do that? I checked out one stream. Had 5-9 people watching it. All talking about dicks.

Amazon owns Twitch, right?

Why do you need streaming on Amazon?

It’s the same with Google, here. This idea that you can ‘post’ on Google, is straight out of Google+. Some people will use it— certainly, it’ll help with people who have mighty brands, who can capture a lot of sales from people, searching for their products. But, for me, and every other person who just wanted to get Verified ’cause it’s fun?

Yeah.

I don’t think it’s gonna be much use at all.

Okay!! I love you!! Bye-bye!!