I’ve been trying to squeeze some fun out of the Internet for the last 21 years. And, I think that, I’m finally kind of done. It’s more than that; but, I don’t want to expend the mental energy, trying to articulate it.
To put it simply, I just do not want to try anymore. I tried to make a lot of real human connections through my work; but, then, people got strange, and they claimed that everything was a parasocial relationship.
Human beings are like that. One minute, everything’s fine. The next, they’re attacking you.
For my part, I never got ‘cancelled’, or whatever it is. And, at this point, I’m so far out of the Internet that I don’t think I can even get cancelled. But, that’s another layer of it: the Internet is so fucking tumultuous and mean, these days, as well as just mentally ill, that it’s no place to live.
There’s nothing at the top.
I’ve had a YouTube video with 3+ million views. There’s nothing there. There is nothing there. You don’t get a prize. No one really cares. And, the more views you get, the more mean, bizarre, mentally-ill comments you get. I don’t want any of that.
I keep on looking at other people who I consider to be ‘famous’, or at the very least ‘successful’, on YouTube. And I don’t want to be them. I don’t want to stream 4 hours a day, for ten years. I don’t want to do that. And I’m not going to do that. But I think that I wanted some of the easy fame that some people get, where they do basically nothing, and then, they get famous overnight. And they stay famous. But, when I get that, now, it’s going to be too fucking late. I don’t want it anymore. I won’t be able to have fun with it. And that sucks.
If I had been successful again, at an early age, and I was Verified everywhere, would I have been happy? No. I probably would’ve gotten banned. I probably would’ve been a bit more miserable, if I were even still alive, right now. So I know that these things didn’t happen for a reason. But I think I’m going to wonder, at least for a very long time, what it would’ve been like.
Then again, if I were verified on something like Instagram (I was denied— again), then I think that I would still want to be Verified on other places. But I think it would do a lot for my self-esteem.
And make this seem like it hasn’t all been just a waste of fucking time.
Nothing else to do.
Still, I cannot seem to do the things that I should be doing. I’m not sure why. I cannot pinpoint the reasons, and that’s bothering me. Thankfully, I seem to be getting over Long COVID, or at least what the Hell ever I’ve been suffering from. I’m sitting on 98% blood oxygen level on room air. I think that most of my fear of suffocation, over my life, has been just that: a fear.
I’ve been told I have extremely bad asthma. But, the reality is, I don’t think I really did. I think I just was tricked into believing that I was a lot weaker than I actually am.
Back to the matter at hand: I don’t think there’s anything else I could do. I tried to start some sort of YouTube ‘career’ for about two months; but, the reality is, I’m too late to that. PewDiePie and Jerma and a bunch of other people, they’re not making the pre-recorded videos like they used to be. The future is streaming: being able to interact with an audience. And I don’t want to do that. That shit makes me uncomfortable.
So I have nowhere to go, now. And that sucks.
But I have to wonder: wasn’t 21 years of trying, enough? Shouldn’t I stop, now?
The thing is, though, I have nothing else to do in my downtime. I can’t swing an axe all my waking hours. And I’ll run out of trees to chop down, soon enough.
I don’t know what to do with my life.
But I know that I don’t want to live here anymore.
Why I keep coming back.
I’ve always liked the computer. It was the only place where I could hide the things I loved, in plain sight. In the real world, none of my possessions were ever safe. Everything I liked was always criticized, made fun of; ridiculed. But, I could hide what I liked, on the computer. I could look at anime, cartoons, comics, whatever, and hide it, at a moment’s notice. And the people in real life making fun of me, they were too fucking dumb to figure out how to bring back up what I was looking at. (Most of the time.)
The computer, thus, became my safe space. But, the Internet is a bad place. And it’s only gotten worse. Right now, it’s maybe a more-toxic environment than even my own childhood was. Which takes a lot.
What I thought I might do.
I thought, maybe, I’d take up drawing again. But, the reality is, I don’t want to produce any more content. I don’t. I don’t like the response I get; I don’t want to talk to anybody; I don’t want to interact with human beings anymore. I just want something to get rid of this loneliness and boredom that I feel. I don’t actually want to be a part of this place anymore.
It was a nice idea. But the crowd was always wrong. Everybody was always a huge asshole, and, even, if not especially when I’d stay silent, it just kept getting worse. Every day was always a fight. It’s so fucking tiring, especially when you just want to have fun.
The reality is, I’m bitter. I’m jaded. And I have every right to be. And I have every reason not to trust anybody.
This, however, puts me in an unenviable position: I’m alone.
It’s difficult to deal with being alone. But I think it’s better than trying to deal with people.
I still wonder, though, what it would’ve been like to actually have fun making things for people, and have fun interacting with them as I did it.
I think it’s far too late for that now, though.
UPDATE: I am no longer alone.