I thought about making a video of this.

But I think I might just not care by the time I’m able to.

It’s kind of a bloody fucking nightmare, looking at everything that’s happening. I try to be ‘chipper’ about it; I try to put on a brave face. But this World is broken, and the people who are in it, they’re broken shells of people. It’s nightmarish to behold.

I’ll give you an example. After not being able to sleep for roughly four hours, I got up, and decided to try to do something. I tried to anesthetize myself with boring, grindset, ‘get that paper’-ass YouTube videos. Specifically, I was looking at how other people got Verified on Instagram.

Undoubtedly it’s not worth it, for me. I don’t know what it does, and I don’t even really know how to use Instagram that well. At this point, I’m just looking for wins. But I also have this desire to know how to win at this here ‘game’. So, i watch. And watching how others ‘won,’ is the best way for me to learn how I myself might be able to ‘win’ at the same damn game.

It’s pretty obvious how a lot of different people won. They put out music, and got a Google Knowledge Panel for that. It seems that a lot of how you get Verified is you have a Google Knowledge Panel, and people tend to notice that shit. Especially if you’re a Musician. That’s always been the case.

That being said, however, here’s how the two people I watched, got Verified:

  1. The first applied through Facebook’s Business Manager or whatever, and got it on the second try. He’s also a fairly… he looks like he hates being conscious, to be perfectly honest wif you. It looks like he can barely stand to make the video, and that’s really sad. He’s a grindset ‘hustle’ mindset sort of person and I don’t ever want to be anything like that. ToxiC CapitalisM.
  2. The second is a lady who got Verified on Instagram after trying 5+ times, about. They’re a musician, so it’s easy to see how they could get Veriifed.

But more than that, it reminded me of how goddamned terrible everything is, around these attempts to get people’s attention. Everything looks the same. Every video on YouTube has the same attention-grabbing thumbnail. No one is genuine. They take a video posed in their houses, trying to make themselves look as rich as possible. It’s sickening. It’s insecure. It’s… unhealthy.

When everybody makes the same kind of videos, what, exactly, is the point? Where’s the distinctiveness? At least some portion of being alive is being unique. These people were and still are unique; but they’re masking that, in order to get ahead. It’s disgusting.

But then, they aspire to the checkmark.

The truly odd part about all of this fame-seeking behavior is that so many people want to pretend that getting Verified anywhere is about merit. It’s not: the first guy I looked at, he got Verified on TikTok as well, because he had a connection to some insider on TikTok. And that’s probably the way the vast majority of checkmarks you see, got becheckmarkeded. They knew a guy.

That being said, they still all pretend that it’s about working hard. Almost nothing is about working hard, when it comes to fame. Fame is an imaginary construct that can be bestowed upon basically anyone, if someone with control of the media in question decides that that person should be famous.

Look at the kids of rich and famous and powerful people. Money plus connections equals prestige, fame, renown, what-have-you. It’s not very difficult, and the idea that people get famous because they are better than others, is simply insulting.

I’ll give you an example. When I was famous about 7 or 8 years ago, I fell into it. When I was famous when I was a child, that was not a result of my own merit. You could say that, because I was smart, that being famous for being smart was a result of my ‘merit’. But you’d be wrong. That shit was a complete fucking accident. I didn’t work to be intelligent. I was born with the right set of genes. That’s all.

There are people who have worked harder than I who have achieved more scholastically and academically than I have, and I just don’t have that sort of patience. Being ‘smarter’ doesn’t help if you don’t want to use what you’ve got. Somebody with an average IQ could and probably has gotten further than I have, simply because I just never really wanted to try. (Nothing there for me.)

When I got Verified on Google, it was not as a result of my own merit. I learned the things that got me a Google Knowledge Panel, and I got one. And now, I’m maintaining one. It was all about putting the right words in certain places, and, as Jason Barnard has said many times, teaching Google who I am.

When I got Verified on Bing, it was because anyone can be.

When I got Verified on Amazon, it was because I got lucky enough to have the right metrics and engagement to get my own store. It was a fluke. This is not imposter syndrome: this is a fact. Anyone can probably open a fresh account, right now, and reply to some alt-right dipshit, and get 300,000+ interactions, and then get Verified on Amazon. Probably they can get enough followers, as well.

When I got Verified on Polywork, that was because, at least I feel, I got extremely lucky.

But it’s no meritocracy. I haven’t produced anything terribly popular in, what? 7-8 years? I’m coasting, and I know it. That’s pretty much the point: I don’t want to work for this shit anymore.

It’s gotten to the point where I don’t even want to work for it when I get everything I want for it.

I’m kind of tired. I’m going to link you this video, because he’s funny and a lot of what he’s saying is just stuff I’m gonna be saying anyways.

one last thing I want to say before I click post and forget about this.

I never wanted to be placed ‘higher’ than everybody else. This has always been about rectifying what I feel was a great injustice: that I got dragged in the media. I will consider whatever checkmark I get from the big four/five to be equivalent to an apology.

Getting Honored by Polywork ameliorated most of my anger. But now, I want a checkmark from somebody else.

I realize that saying all this shit, if the person making the decision sees it, I’m probably not getting Verified.

I really don’t even fucking care anymore. I am so emotionally and especially spiritually tired at this point.

I just want to reach for it, get it, and then fuck off.

Oh, I just remembered. As I was trying to go back to sleep, I remembered why I started writing this in the first place.

I’m done.

A lot of people aren’t even going to understand what that means.

So I will explain.

I’ve been on the fucking Internet since May of 1994. Like my friend said, I’ve chewed all the fun out of this piece of bubblegum. I’m done, whether or not I get the checkmark. Sure, if I don’t get it, I’ll still keep applying until I do, or the social network(s) go out of business. (They always do.) But, I’m tired, kids.

I spent 16 years on YouTube trying to become noticed, and the 10 on Twitter, and the only time I ever really got popular was when really hateful people tried to prop me up. I’m not going through that again. I’m not bitter: I’m wise to that shit, now. And I don’t want to repeat fucking history.

There’s also the point of I know what this game is. I’ve seen all the bad fucking comments over the past 20-some years. I’m no longer throwing pearls before swine. I know what this is. This is a place where lonely and/or desperate people try to ‘make something’ of their lives. I have absolutely no desire to do that, because I’ve already accomplished things of actual worth. This is basically the overtime section in a game of Dead Rising, now.

I’ve been through the content-creation mill and that’s not what I want to do wif my life. I have a desire to make things, but not like Markiplier, or Vinesauce, or anybody else, really. I don’t want the money. I don’t want the fame. And I have the readers; and I have the recognition enough that I feel pretty comfortable, where I’m at. I don’t feel like chasing numbers anymore.

The checkmark is an apology. It’s the thing that’ll make me stop resenting what people have done to me.

It’s inherently meaningless, but I want it.

Hopefully I get it on Instagram. And hopefully that makes me stop wanting it elsewhere.

Because Instagram is supposedly the hardest.

Pray for me, kids.