I tried.


I’m callin’ it quits. I don’t have any more patience for this shit.

How it started.

I want to explain how I felt before I completely give up on this place.

When I was a kid, I didn’t have a whole hell of a lot of friends. To be certain, throughout my childhood, I had preciously no human ‘friends’. I spent all of my time either alone, or wif space aliems. And it was good company. I also had, over the course of my entire childhood, at least 2^8 cats. (I learned how to befriend ferals when I was about 2 or 3 years old.)

I’ve always been ‘lonely’. But, when it comes right down to it, what I desire more than positive attention, is to be left alone. And, throughout my entire Internet ‘career’, I’ve noticed something.

I don’t think more than a handful of people have ever understood me.

It’s not that my language is too ‘smart’. (And I should note, at this point, I’m so tired and downtrodden because of this that I do not particularly care to put too fine a point on any of my words, anymore. Because people don’t really parse them.)

It’s not that I don’t know how to articulate my own thoughts. I do.

It’s that people don’t really give enough of a shit, to make the effort to understand me.

People, probably even more than 20 years ago, are so wrapped up in their own fucking bullshit, that they’re just not interested in making friends anymore. And I’ve tried; I’ve tried.

But it’s too late.

It’s too late to make friends online, for me. I no longer care; I no longer really need friends, from the populace that uses the Internet. Because, it’s nothing but trouble, to communicate with people, anymore.

I wanted to have friends.

Arcadium’s never coming back.

And even if it did, I am too old, now.

It would have to be something different.

What I wanted.

I honestly just wanted Arcadium to come back.

I wanted a place online where I felt safe. Where I felt like I had some sort of minimally-extended friends group, where we could all have fun.

As it stands, right now, everybody online is stabbing each other in the back. I don’t feel safe. I will, in fact, never feel safe in your World.

And that’s when I realized that I was in the wrong fucking place. Like, I was sat here, trying to make a Life in a place where everybody was trying to bring me down, and I just realized— the answer is not the glitz and the ‘glamour’ and the fucking fame-hound, rent-seeking behavior that everybody else displays. I need to leave. I need to go back Home. I’ve gotta get the fuck out of here. As soon as possible.

I started to realize that something bad had happened. Around 2006 or so, when I came back to the Internet, I realized— oh. Everything had gotten subtly worse. But not just ‘subtly’; MARKEDLY worse.

When I had left, 4chan was just starting to be a thing.

When I came back, it was the norm.

Nowadays, 4chan is tame. Twitter is a thousand times worse, on a daily fucking basis, than 4chan used to be. And everybody seems to look at Twitter and go, oh, so I can be worse, then. Or something. I don’t actually know. I don’t actually ever intend on finding out.

I want out. I don’t want to make the perfect website here anymore. I don’t want to become ‘secure’ here. I don’t want to make a life here.

I need to leave.

What I wanted, at some fucking point, was to make a cool fucking website. To have fun online. And, it’s just fucking impossible. Every webmaster I know is fucking miserable. And you know why?

As much as every human being I’ve ever spoken to wants to deny it— and refuses to admit it— human beings are absolute, utter fucking garbage. If I could never have to deal with you motherfuckers ever again, for the rest of my life, I wouldn’t.

Big exit, no lights.