Iron Man

Yeah, it’s time to leave.

Whether or not he’s dead, it doesn’t really matter. A guy who ran one of the biggest forums, if not the biggest, for the past 20 years, he died. Or maybe not. It’s not easy for me to tell, given that it’s the Internet.

His legacy is filled with people telling tales of the things he facilitated. As one person on his forums put it, he provided the space for great things to be made. I don’t agree: it was one of the worst websites I’ve ever seen. In fact, the only thing it really ‘facilitated’ was the growing negativity that has now nearly-completely engulfed the Internet. It turned the Internet from something fun, to a place of ridicule. I hate it, and I hate him for his part in it.

But now that he’s possibly dead, I have no one left to hate. Even if it’s all a hoax, it doesn’t matter: his reputation’s in tatters to the point where, it isn’t even worth the energy to hate him. He fucked his entire life up. Just like every other major forum owner. Just like every ‘successful’ imageboard owner.

And from this, I see the point. I’ve always wanted to know what the end-point of fame, looked like. And this is it. The man’s entire fanbase is celebrating his death. Even if he’s not dead, his life is ruined. What’s the point? This happens to all the people who get really famous. There is no successful end. And even when there is, you’re only superficially well-regarded by people who actually don’t even know you.

I used to love this YouTuber. Not really ‘love’; but I thought they were cute, and I loved their videos. Now he’s some alt-right idiot, and even he doesn’t feel like he belongs. He’s desperately grasping at fame. He has everything. . . and he doesn’t know it. He doesn’t get it.

For a while, I’ve been wondering what I wanted. And, I finally know. And it isn’t this. Sure, controlling information about me is hilarious; I enjoy figuring out things, it’s all like Rubik’s Cubes, to me. I have great fun figuring out puzzles; algorithms. But I don’t actually want fame. I never actually wanted fame. What I wanted, was to be loved. To feel a connection to other people. And now that I have that, I don’t want anything else.

The Internet has become this thing where actually communicating your real emotions is ridiculed. It’s not a nice place. And if it ever is, I’ll delight in playing in it. But I’m not holding out hope that it’ll go back to normal. Because it’s shit, it’s been shit for the last 20 years, and I’m going on to greener pastures.

I’m looking at the front page of YouTube, now. There’s a nice little thumbnail of Solaire. Everybody likes Solaire. He was just trying to find his sun.

Well, we all know what happens with Solaire. He doesn’t have a happy ending; not unless you save him from himself. And, I’ve got to save myself, from myself. I have to stop pursuing this.

Because there’s no fucking good end to this.