TRIGGER WARNING / CONTENT WARNING: Prostitution(?), Pedophiles/Pedophilia, Sexual Content
I’ve mostly made my friendships online. And I can only get so close to people, that way. It makes me sad, a lot of the times. But I’ve realized that, the reason that nobody really trusts me, is– well. The capriciousness is one of them. The utter illogic of my stated background, yet another. While it’s true that I did lie (I think?), for a long time, about my past, or myself, even, it was genuinely just to protect my father. I didn’t want any of the goofy shit I did online, living my own life, to come back around and somehow get him killed. Now that he’s passed on, I’m free to no longer lie.
That being said, there’s no reason for you to trust me, and this is part of the backstory of the book I’m going to release next. But I don’t think that I want to put it down in the book; it’s a bit… eh. I really did this. But I don’t think I want to put it down in a book. For several reasons.
Anyways, for my childhood, when it came to strangers, I probably dealt with almost-exclusively pedophiles. That’s why I hate them. They’re sick; but they’re stupid, and they have money.
And I like money.
That being said, I guess you could say that I was a prostitute? Maybe?
Well. You’ll see.
I was a cute, but oblivious, little girl
Before my voice changed at around the age of 13 or 14, I shared the exact same voice of my biological mother. This made things shockingly simple: not only could I fill-in for her on the phone, if need be (if she couldn’t come to the phone, for instance); but, I could also successfully make anyone think I was a cute little girl. No matter what I looked like, in the real world.
Well! This talent of mine, was put to good use, making money.
No, my parents did not know. To this day, they have no idea that I did this. Save for a few packages they found, one way or another. I never explained to them where the money I would give them, actually came from.
I wouldn’t call myself ‘devious’? But, given their money situation, I figured it was the best way to ‘help out’. I couldn’t get a job; and all legal, or at least normal ways to get money, were cut-off from my grasp. My father wanted me to just have a childhood; not to work.
Around the age of 9 or so, online, I began to become surrounded by pedophiles. And, while I did not understand sex– to be fair, I still don’t quite understand sex– I knew that they had ulterior motives. I knew that I was in the lion’s den. Unfortunately for them, I am not a lion. I am the thing that eats lions.
Part of the reason I worked with them is that, given my parents’ financial situation (we were always about to lose the house; etc, etc), I only really got to buy things with my parents’ money, like, once a year. Christmas. Other than that, it was a drought.
But with the pedophiles, it never took long to get them to buy me presents. And they would buy me whatever the fuck I wanted.
A lot of them had deep pockets. Some sort of oil tycoon. I had to stop that one from sending me a regular stipend for my ‘services’. And why?
Because I didn’t want to run afoul of the IRS. I just wanted anime, my dudes. Anime, and toys, and so on, and so forth. Getting a regular salary would raise far too many questions. I also didn’t want regular lump sums of money; I didn’t know how I was going to explain that to my parents.
I don’t think you really appreciate how many dildos I had to throw away.
(They’d send that shit in the mail with my presents. I’d take the anime VHS tapes, and either burn the dildos, or throw them in the trash.)
It was fun explaining that when my mother discovered dozens of dildos and condoms in the trash, outside. But I did.
‘Some pedophiles sent them to me.’ And that was it.
They never found out about the things I did on the phone.
To be fair, I wouldn’t classify myself as a sex worker. Rather, I was some sort of mental prostitute. Similar to a phone sex worker, I would think; just without the sex.
I didn’t like sex. I don’t like sex. Nearly entirely I dealt with all men; so there was nothing for me, there, in the first fuckin’ place. But I did deal with a few women; I’ll get to them, right after this.
I had a couple of things I would do. There was online chat; that was simple enough. I guess it was like a girlfriend experience? I don’t know. I’m actually a bit embarrassed, thinking about it.
Mostly I’d just talk about video games. They’d talk about sex things; try to ‘teach’ me. It was funny, seeing as, by this age, I had already delivered a baby. Not mine; somebody else’s. I had already been a mid-wife. So, the fundamentals of ‘life’? I knew all about them. I had also ‘studied’ a bunch of shit about how to give oral sex, for the purposes of cybersex; but that never happened. The pedophiles disgusted me far too much. I only wanted their money. I wasn’t about to give them any semblance of pleasure.
So that was the idea: to exploit horrific people.
And I did it.
Oh, also, I talked to them on the phone.
What are we gonna do on the Phone?
To this day, this is the part that I don’t understand. The pedophiles (even the female ones) wanted to talk to me on the phone. Given that my parents were both engineers of certain stripes, we had early access to technology. So, I had my own cell-phone, a flip phone, way sooner than any other kid did… which meant, that I had my own phone line. I put it to use.
I calculated how much each phone call would cost, in a very general way, and, when the pedophiles kept on pestering me to let them call me, I ‘joked’ that I would do it if they paid me.
They immediately started making offers.
So, I began to talk to pedophiles on the phone, for money.
At the time I knew it couldn’t last forever. I’d eventually get caught by my parents; or, my voice would change during puberty. I had a rather late puberty; so, I managed to pull it off until about the age of 13 or so. A good career of about 3-4 years, or a little bit more.
The thing that I never understood was why they wanted to talk to me. I’ve been told that my voice has a certain quality to it, even after puberty. People like to listen to it. I don’t know why, but hey.
I think they were masturbating to my voice.
If there’s something that has always confused me, it’s that female pedophiles seem to pretend that they’re in love with me. Now, I’m naturally acclimated to the idea that women cannot hurt me. Like: that they’re such good beings, that they wouldn’t intend to ever hurt me. So that makes it even more confusing.
But yeah. I had like 3 older women (one in her 30s, one in her 40s, one in her 50s– and the 50 year old was married (not legally) to a lady who was almost 60) who all claimed to be ‘in love’ with me.
It was bullshit, of course. But at least the guys never really pretended that they loved me. It was all about sex and control, for them. Actually, one or two guys said they loved me. Including a 20 year old, who, I should note, trying to ‘woo’ 9-year-old me? Fucked up.
But you already knew it was fucked up.
Ever since I was a kid, I’ve been talking to female porn stars. Back then, I managed to get a porn star lady’s autograph, on a nude photograph of herself– for free. And she knew my age. I must’ve been like 8 or 9. The lady said she thought it was ‘hot’ that I was ‘so interested’ at that age. Even sent back the money I had sent in the mail, just to get the autograph. Wanted me to ‘write back’. I think I did. Did not like the weird sexual shit I got back. Just a written love letter.
Truth be told I just thought she was a cool actress, since she had done some niche work in video games. The fact that she only offered nude photographs was something I didn’t really know how to process.
In any case, later on in my life, long after I became an adult, I learned that adult film stars seem to do weird shit with kids, sometimes. Not all of them; but, a few of them.
I think that Mercedes Carrera thought I was 14 when she was talking to me about sex in our Twitter DMs.
Three Older Ladies
This is the memory that I’m really trying to unearth. The male pedophiles who sent me money and gifts (mostly anime), I don’t care at all about thinking about them. But the women, I kind of want to figure out.
There were three of them. Each one of them claimed that they were ‘in love’ with me. With technology being as limited as it was, those days, they (thankfully) didn’t send me so many pictures of them nude, online. And what they did send, the pictures were pretty small. (Not that it excuses them. Just made them less traumatic, I think, to me. I couldn’t even tell what was being depicted, in a lot of them.)
Female pedophiles had always preyed upon me. Someone in my kindergarten, she had tried to force me to put my penis in her vagina. I think she was 30+ years old, while I was barely 5 years old. That woman is the reason why I’m still disgusted by vaginas. That lady’s vagina was… full of ‘mucus’. It was terrible. And she tried to do fucking everything with me.
I remember being thankful that she wasn’t trying to physically injure me. Because I couldn’t get away from her.
The three female pedophiles who talked to me on the phone were pretty disgusting. Much more sexual than the men. The men, they mostly seemed to want to ‘disguise’ their intentions. As if you could have ‘pure’ intentions, being an old guy, wanting to talk to a little girl on her cell phone. Still, that was their game.
The women just talked about fucking me.
I didn’t want anything to do with them. But, I kept on answering their calls, because I wanted to see where it would go. What was their deal? What was wrong with them? I wanted to help them.
They ended up sending me gold jewelry.
You might be wondering why I’ve said all of this, publicly.
I don’t know. I want it out of my head.
This also serves as a ‘bookmark,’ for when I revisit the subject.
I might get in big trouble for relating these tales. My friend has told me that I was a victim. That, I believe; but, I cannot admit that to myself.
I’m also not writing this to glorify the experience. I enjoy making myself seem like the victor.
I cannot entertain a reality where I am not the victor. Sorry. To admit that I was abused– and to stop thinking that I just wasn’t fleecing a bunch of pedophiles? I don’t know.
I don’t know.
I have a lot of guilt, and especially shame about this entire series of experiences. And, I’ve been afraid of getting sued by pedophiles who did things to me.
On Arcadium, there was a user named CapnBob. He was a pedophile. For as much as I understand ‘grooming,’ he groomed me. He even sent me at least one anime DVD, as well. I don’t remember much more than he sent me a picture of his penis.
I really do hate him. And there are a shit-ton of memories that I’ve been holding back. They’re buried; pretty deeply.
Let this be a bookmark, so that I can put this out of my mind.
He was an absolutely disgusting motherfucker, and I don’t want to think about him any longer.
He even sent me like two issues of his self-published comic book. I burned those.