Network Solutions sucks.

This article was originally published on Monday, April 06, 2020, on the short-lived blogspot, “Margaret Gel’s Apocalyptic Log”. The slogan of which, was, “The Anti-Christ is coming soon, and she’s gonna be cute!”. Fucking love that one.

Anyways, I’m putting it here, because, I both think it’s funny, and I have no idea where I’m going to inevitably put it. Some things deserve to be on my main website, icze4r.org; others, I don’t know.

Anyways, this will live here, until I decide it will not be living here.

LIVE AND LEARN

BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH SOMETHINGTOMORROW

This is a two-parter. First, the first part. Yuh.


Do not use Network Solutions.

Sunday, April 05, 2020.

TL;DR DO NOT DO BUSINESS WITH NETWORK SOLUTIONS UNLESS YOU ARE READY TO BRAVE THE POSSIBILITY THAT THEY WILL REGISTER DOMAIN NAMES FOR YOU, AGAINST YOUR WISHES, EVEN AFTER YOU TELL THEM NOT TO. BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT JUST FUCKING HAPPENED TO ME.

A lot of this here article was written well before this inexcusable, unasked-for domain registration. I actually thought that, if I opted-out, they would respect my wishes. They did not, and here we are.

Anyways, if this article seems a little bit disjointed, that’s because ya girl is actually quite shook, right now.

Just realize that I’m herding the fucking screams in my head.


The Pain Begins

Recently, I received an e-mail from Network Solutions, where my favorite domain name, at the time, was registered. Here is the fucking e-mail, with identifying information and a graphic/link redacted:

    We know how important your domain services are to you, so we’re upgrading your account through our Brand Protection Program. The upgrade includes a one-year complimentary [redacted TLD / domain suffix] domain that matches your existing domain.

    Owning [myname].[redacted TLD] prevents other companies and competitors from registering your domain and using it to point customers to their own websites.  Automatically pointing [redacted complimentary domain name] to your existing website also ensures your customers are able to find you online.

    …

    In addition to your new domain, you’ll receive one year of complimentary Website Forwarding and Private Registration for your [redacted TLD] domain.  If you choose not to keep this domain, no action is needed and you will not be charged any fees in the future.  To keep the domain after your complimentary first year, simply renew it through your Account Manager Dashboard.

    If you choose to decline your complimentary [redacted TLD] domain upgrade, simply visit the following link by March 19, 2020.

    Please call our Brand Protection Team at [redacted phone number] if you have any questions about this program.

Let us, for but a moment, savor the rich tapestry of ironies, present, in the statement, “Owning [myname].[redacted TLD] prevents other companies and competitors from registering your domain and using it to point customers to their own websites.

‘Owning this domain prevents other companies and competitors from registering your domain.’

OH LIKE YOU JUST DID, SHITDICK?

oKAY. Breathe, girlfriend. Breathe. Okay. A couple of things here, before I illustrate the height of my goddamned fucking panic, that MY DOMAIN REGISTRAR IS GOING TO FUCKING REGISTER DOMAIN NAMES FOR ME AND IT’S OPT-OUT INSTEAD OF OPT-IN HOLY SHIT STOP

I’m going to point out the obvious: no real company needs the kind of protection that they’re so graciously ‘offering’. Smart companies go with Markmonitor, or Fabulous, or some such shit. There are domain registrars where you cannot even fucking get near any of the domain’s settings without being bonded.

Second: if any real company started cybersquatting domains of other companies— that being what this supposedly ‘protects’ against— that would be a legal battle to scar the Internet for the rest of human history, if not, indeed, eternity. Oh, there would be blood, mate. It would be like that time that some dipshit video game journalist had insider info that a lego game was coming out: so, he registered the domain, ahead of them. Oh, boy. The fucking fireworks on that one. It makes me insanely horny, just thinking about it.

Anyways, nobody fucking does that kind of shit. Because, the minute ICANN shows up? The party and the fun, they’re over, pal. You might as well keep trying to party when your mumsie and daddsie come back home.

Originally, this entire e-mail bothered me, because I had to opt-out of it. Meaning, at the time, if I had said nothing, I’d have been saddled with a brand new domain name that I didn’t want; that Network Solutions might decide to ‘accidentally’ auto-renew, charging me maybe hundreds of dollars. I’d heard the horror stories before.

But, hey: I clicked the little link, and told Network Solutions: hey, don’t do that shit. Don’t register that domain for me. NOTE: I did this before the deadline that they gave me.

At the original time of this writing, a couple of minutes ago, Sunday-night, post-FAP, coming down from the high of cumming, I decided to look for a new domain name. Just window-shopping, y’know. Bored; waiting for Vinny to come on.

And what to my wondering eyes did appear? Oh, friend, it wasn’t no fat man in red, with his tiny fuckin’ reindeer.

I found out that Network Solutions fucking registered it, anyways.

They fucking registered it, anyways.

NETWORK SOLUTIONS REGISTERED A FUCKING DOMAIN NAME, THAT I EXPLICITLY TOLD THEM NOT TO REGISTER.

And here’s the kicker: because, at another registrar, it was significantly cheaper than the price Network Solutions had offered, I was gonna buy it, there. It was literally 1/60th of the price.

AND NETWORK SOLUTIONS FUCKING SNATCHED THAT SHIT OUT FROM UNDER ME.

ALSO, they pointed it to the domain I originally had with them. The one I transferred away.

HUH?? I HADN’T HAD FRESH DNS / NAME SERVER INFORMATION FOR THAT FUCKING DOMAIN, IN LIKE 4 OR 5 YEARS. HOW THE SHITTING FUCK DID THEY MANAGE TO DO THAT?

As far as I could tell, it wasn’t even just a simple ‘hidden’ iframe ‘forward’. It was DNS. HOW THE HELL DID THAT HAPPEN????????????????????????

They shoved this fucking thing into my account, giving me ‘full’ control over it… in a registrar I no longer wanted to work with.

There’s no way I can stop them from doing this to me again, as they did this shit after I transferred my domain name away. As long as that account is open— and, Hell, I don’t even trust that, they’d probably do it even after it was closed, given that they fucking magicked a DNS redirect out from under meTHEY CAN JUST KEEP DOING THIS KIND OF SHIT TO ME.

HOW?

I don’t trust that even closing this account is going to do anything. I don’t think it’s even going to work. I’ve heard the horror stories. I bet it’s like how Facebook accounts ‘mysteriously’ come back from the dead. Yeah, right. ‘mysterious’.

this fucking unwanted domain name— this burden, that I hesitated to register, even as it would only cost, what, like $20 for ten years (I had a really good deal at another place), Network Solutions just fucking registered it. Phhht! Just like that.

I transferred my beloved domain away from them, March 23rd, 2020.

These fuckers registered the new domain, against my will, on March 31st, 2020.

HUH? Why would you do that?

HOW COME YOU DO DAT???

Why did you do it? No, scratch that: I’m not even angry anymore. How did you do that? How did you even remember, which domain to point it to? It wasn’t in your system. THE FUCKING NAME SERVERS I ENTERED INTO THE CONTROL PANEL WEREN’T EVEN RIGHT; I USED A DIFFERENT DNS HOST. YOU HAD ZERO ACCESS TO THAT INFORMATION!!! HOW DID YOU FIND WHERE TO POINT IT TO????? IT WASN’T EVEN THERE ANYMORE!!!!!!!

dO NOT DO BUSINESS WITH NETWORK SOLUTIONS UNLESS YOU WANT THEM TO REGISTER DOMAIN NAMES FOR YOU, AGAINST YOUR WILL, AND THEN SHOVE THEM INTO YOUR ACCOUNT WITHOUT YOU KNOWING. because they did that shit to me. They ruined a potential plan to possibly have that domain name, on another, cheaper registrar, and they told me nothing. There was no e-mail. I GOT NO E-MAIL. THEY TOLD ME NOTHING. tHEY JUST REGISTERED A DOMAIN NAME, SHOVED IT INTO MY CONTROL PANEL, AND DECIDED THAT I’M RESPONSIBLE FOR IT. WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK?

Now they’re probably going to motherfuck me with fees for something that I told them I didn’t fucking want. I’ve heard one horror story from a guy who tried to transfer away from them, and got saddled with something like $164 worth of fees, as they went back-and-forth about cancelling, or some shit. I cannot fucking escape these people, even after the transfer has been completed!

Imagine that. You’re at a domain registrar; and, suddenly, here you go, pal. Here’s a domain. It’s ‘free’. Transfer it away or we might charge you hundreds of dollars in renewal fees. OOPSIE KABIDDLES

What this means, is, Network Solutions can just register domains with my favorite username, and there’s fuck-all I can do about it. Even now, in December of 2021, they could still be doing this. How’n the fuck would I know? THEY DON’T TELL ME SHIT.

What the hell’s going to happen one day when they decide to fucking renew them without me asking? Auto-renew was off, at the time, and my card’s just plain gone; but, I already can’t trust them, and they already forwarded the domain by inputting information i never gave them.

Holy shit, my dude.


That was the first article.

Now follows the second, where the hilarity continues. Enjoy! c(◕ᴗ◕✿)


Network Solutions sucks.

Monday, April 06, 2020

I want to tell the story of why I first started using Network Solutions. It didn’t really fit thematically in with the first post so, here you go: more Network Solutions suckage.

excel.toire2.gif

It’s kinda funny how I wasn’t going to post any of this, because, I figured— hey, I got away. So, no need to talk shit about them.

YEAH, NOPE. These fuckers registered a fucking domain name, with/OF MY FAVORITE USERNAME / NICKNAME.

That’s no bueno, kids. I mean, shit, dude; I have a fucking embroidered leather jacket with ICZE4R on it.

To say that I love the name? BIT OF AN UNDERSTATEMENT


Once upon a time, I was a little moon baby, who decided to register her very first domain name. (Moon baby, being, just a nonsense term for ‘I was a bab’. Though ‘I was bab’ is funnier to say.)

Until about the year 2006, domain registrars weren’t exactly, shall we say, user friendly. I didn’t know where to register one; and neither did my dad. One day, he just told me where I could register one, and… I jumped at the opportunity. Seized it, like.

For my entire life, starting from around the age of probably 9, I wanted to have a website entitled under my very favorite username. Sure, I had TheBattleAngel; and I was super famous under that one. But. Well. It just didn’t hit, like icze4r hits. Y’know?

Now, I had planned this moment for years. It felt like it had been centuries, just waiting around, to get at this opportunity. I was scared that it might be claimed. Thankfully, it wasn’t. (Oh, fun fact: it was either I registered icze4r.org, or, QueerAlice.com. I was really into Alice in Wonderland, at the time. Still am. But I used to be, toot.)

Now, when I secured icze4r.org, I was happy.

Unfortunately, I had made the fatal mistake of registering a domain name with Yahoo! Small Business. And, Yahoo!, as I’m sure you already know, is the bane of the Internet. Seriously: the fucking company seems to exist solely to kill all that is good and right about the ‘net. Between Geocities and Tumblr, this fucking company has the ‘blood’ of countless fandoms on its tentacles.

Anyways: about a year after I registered my favorite, precious monicker, it was placed in grave peril…

… by Yahoo!.

Starting to notice a bit of a trend, there.

Anyways, this was a baker’s dozen years or so, ago. And, suddenly, Yahoo!’s Terms of Service changed— again, sensing a bit of a pattern, here— and, suddenly, I was strictly forbidden from hosting any sort of ‘adult’ content.

ON PAIN OF MY FUCKING DOMAIN NAME BEING SEIZED.

That’s right, folks! Domain seizure, for anime tiddy!

It goes without saying that I transferred my domain name away from Yahoo!, that very night, in a cold, sweaty panic. This was sewious: if I’d have lost that domain, my mental health at the time would’ve fucking plummeted. It would’ve cratered like I’d jumped out a fucking window.

Before we go on, I’d like to note that, at the time, Yahoo!’s tendency to fucking change Terms of Service and never explain itself, made everybody around it just assume that the very worst thing possible was what the Terms of Service meant. You couldn’t assume good faith with Yahoo!. Yahoo! fucking destroyed dreams.

That being said, what consituted ‘adult’ content? WHO KNOWS? They certainly wouldn’t explain it to you. I remember, I once contacted Yahoo! Small Business support, and, their web hosting was so shitty that they wouldn’t allow me to upload an .htaccess file. You kiddin’ me, assholes? I think they said it was a ‘security concern’.

YOUR ENTIRE FUCKING PLATFORM IS A SECURITY CONCERN

I ONCE LOGGED ONTO MY OLD E-MAIL ACCOUNT WITHOUT EVEN ENTERING A PASSWORD

aNYWAYs. At the time, I had no real knowledge about what domain registration really entailed. Sure, one registrar might have a better interface than another; one might be more secure than the other, though usually in marginal ways I didn’t really appreciate; but, at the time, the differences… really weren’t there. This was an age where everything was still made out of cgi-bin scripts, and Perl. I mean, it was a cozier time, to be sure; but. It wasn’t exactly that nice to look at.

That being said, I transferred my domain from Yahoo! …

to Network Solutions.

Christ in a manger, I’ve got the luck of a goddamned grapefruit.

What’s that saying again? Out of the fire, into the fucking flames of Hell? It wasn’t like that, really; I’m just being funny.

It was more like being placed into a room that was slowly filling with ass water.

At the time, I had no knowledge of Network Solutions, besides… well, we’ll get to that. Suffice to say, I chose Network Solutions because they didn’t seem to give a merry fuck about what sort of people used their registrar services. And that suited me just fine: I wasn’t going to be posting any pictures of parrots perching on peckers, like some people did.

Now, with Network Solutions, I had heard the horror stories. But, I hadn’t seen all the signs. Not just yet, anyways. Or any; I mean, people aren’t exactly that great at articulating their own thoughts. Especially when it comes to something like reviewing a domain registrar. Most of the people there, reviewing the service, are going to be fucking normies who don’t understand that they have to renew the goddamned thing.

And that’s what it was. Like then; like now, most of the people who I saw complaining, they just didn’t seem to quite get how the whole process worked. On even the most superficial level. Like, say, they’d make complaints about domain registrars not setting up Outlook, for them. They were clueless. Worse yet, they didn’t even want to learn.

Still, complaints a-many, I figured that my reasoning was sound. If I chose the safest registrar I could find, that was it. There was nothing better I could do. And, to be fair to my clueless self, in the past, I really did make the right choice, given the climate, and the risks I was facing. I couldn’t lose this thing.

So, I transferred in, with a ‘wait and see’ mindset. And, oh boy. Did I fucking see.

Within three years, I knew that Network Solutions was fucking up. But, since I’d managed to evade most of the weird shit they’d e-mail their customers about, I thought I might be safe. Particularly, I had confidence in my own intellect, and my own hypervigilance. If I just watched them like a hawk, and I always answered the e-mails, telling them no, don’t do that, you fucking clown, then, legally, they couldn’t do anything that was against my wishes. Right?

RIGHT???

FUCKITY DICKBALLS

jesus fuckin CHRIST

Now, obviously, I’m embellishing this. Or, not embellishing; I’m presenting the actual, true facts that I can remember, mixed in with some things I wrote down just after it happened. But, I’m presenting them in a way that’s meant to be entertaining.

Is it really so bad that Network Solutions bought me a free domain name, using my favorite, cherished nickname? That I’d end up having to renew, for a high price (like over $20 USD a year; and it would’ve been like $60 or some shit, if I had kept it with them)?

Well, actually, yeah. But how upset it made me, losing control over my own nickname, and being presented with a situation where I either had to pay money, or live with the fact that some robot was going to come and squat on a domain name with my nickname in it, and put ads on it?

Even though it might not fuck up my SEO, it was a violation of trust. And, God damn. Imagine if Network Solutions did that with a fucking brand name. I already consider icze4r to be something of a ‘brand’: it’s me. I’m icze4r. And I felt really violated when they just registered an expensive-as-all-Hell domain name, and put me in a bad situation.

Oh, also.

They fucking did it after I explicitly told them not to.

THEY FUCKING E-MAILED ME, ASKED IF I WANTED IT, AND I SAID NO, AND THEY CONFIRMED, AND THEY STILL FUCKING DID IT ANYWAY

I thought that my abilities would keep me out of harm’s way.

How’s that saying go? GAMER, YOU THOUGHT?

It wasn’t that bad of a gamble. I had plenty of reasoning as to why I thought they wouldn’t do anything against my wishes. Por ejemplo: the last unsolicited domain ‘giveaway’ they e-mailed me about? I evaded that one. DIDN’T EVEN HAVE TO SAY A WORD. Turns out not responding was better than responding.

In any case, since I evaded that one without saying a word, I thought that saying a word, that word being no, would save me.

I GUESS NETWORK SOLUTIONS DOESN’T AGREE THAT NO MEANS NO

I’d missed a lot of Network Solutions’ bullshit e-mails. But what I hadn’t missed, was the time when they e-mailed everybody, and told us that they were gonna charge us $1,850 USD, and then $1,350 yearly. And why? Shit if I know, man. You can read all about it, here.

That’s right, kids and kittens: Network Solutions tried to charge me, and probably every other fucking customer, OVER THREE THOUSAND SMACKEROONS, FOR A FUCKING REGISTRY LOCK.

UNH.

Though they quickly backtracked on that statement, that shit was the first and second strike for me. This unwanted domain registration shit? Third, fourth, and fifth. How many more times is this shit gonna happen, I thought?

Is it even gonna stop?

I still cannot get over how they fucking did this. THAT they fucking did this. Network Solutions was once the world’s greatest domain registrar; and then, they started stooping to this kinda shit. I mean, once your domain registrar starts registering things for you, against your bloody will, there’s nowhere to go but down, from there. It reminds me of the world’s worst car salesman that I ever met, who tried to sell us three used cars, at a grand total monthly payment of $3,850 per car.

There’s nothing you can do but walk away when somebody does shit like that, to you.

We’d asked for one, by the way. At a cost of about $300 a month.

Network Solutions pissed me off, also, because, just like that shitty fuckin’ car ‘salesman’, they pretended that they were helping me. That this was something that they did for the good of my brand. Well, asshole: if it’s for the good of my brand, WHY THE FUCK WASN’T I CONSULTED? The so-called icze4r brand is not, like, a serious thing that I’m trying to make money off of. It is, instead, my reputation. How I purport myself, in the world, as it is translated into the public’s view of me. And while I don’t really give a shit about how the public views me, I GIVE A SHIT ENOUGH THAT I DON’T WANT SOME ASSHOLE JUST RANDOMLY REGISTERING DOMAIN NAMES WITH MY FUCKING CHILDHOOD NICKNAME ON THEM ARFG

You’re tryin’ to help me with my ‘brand’, then? Huh, kiddo? WELL THANK YOU SO GODDAMNED MUCH! All you fuckin’ did was FRUSTRATE me, and DILUTE my ‘brand’.

Yeah but that was basically it. It was like trying to take a toy away from a child, or a food bowl away from a dog. MY FUCKIN’ SHIT STOP LEAVE IT

The thing is, they also took away from me my own ability to register it at a cheaper place. Having registered it for me, my only choice in keeping it (which I didn’t even want to; I just wanted it fucking deleted), and keeping it out of some spambot’s paws, was to transfer it out of their hands. AT A SIGNIFICANT COST. aND i HAD TO GO THROUGH THEIR PROTOColS, AND dEAL WITH THEIR HORSE SHIT GOD FUCKING DAMN IT

THIS IS LIKE DOMAIN NAME FRONT-RUNNING, ALL OVER AGAIN

Anyway. I first went to Network Solutions, plain and simple, because they were the registrar for what I think is the world’s first Internet shock site. And, I thought: if nothing fucking happens to those people, then, under Network Solutions, I’D BE SAFE AS SHIT!

I mean. The most I’d ever post would be some anime tiddy. Like this one: take a look.

I actually tried, here.

And it wouldn’t even be any loli shit! Ryoko, from Tenchi Muyo!, my man!

If those dudes could get away with posting photographs of dead people, and withstand the might of families trying to get pictures of their dead loved ones taken down; if those dudes could post fucking bestiality, and a picture of a parrot sittin’ ona guy’s cock? I figured, hey. if Network Solutions didn’t kick THAT domain out of their services, then I could never get in trouble!

Quick little note: yeah, I know the difference between a domain registrar and a webhost. I’m not sayin’ that Network Solutions hosted that shit. Still, in recent memory, registrars have refused to serve customers, for less. I’m only sayin’. Just look at how the Alt-Right lost their asses when any registrar with a brain found out that they were makin’ them look bad.

I should also tell you: the mindset that I would be safe under Network Solutions? I think it stemmed from my own personal life. My main concern, at the time, was avoiding being abused. So: how do you avoid being abused?

You pick the biggest fuckin’ guy in the room, and you use him to keep other people away from you.

To me, Network Solutions was that guy.

The only problem was, I didn’t really have a plan if he started trying to use me like a cock sleeve.


Look, man: I just need to break this up here so it’s readable

The mindset that I would be safe, just because other bad actors weren’t being acted upon, was, but of course, wrong. And my wrongness cost me a fucking fortune. Something to the tune of $600 USD, just renewing icze4r.org, for something like a decade. If I had been more adventurous— if I had someone to tell me what to do, and I could’ve known better— if I wasn’t so damn afraid of losing my dream, I might not have wasted all that money.

Damn.

The thing is, though, that mindset is the same that I think other people have. That’s why other people stay with bad companies who charge them too much: they feel safe. And, they don’t know no better.

It’s important to know that the safety you feel is just an illusion. If you have a bad feeling about a company, any company, and you’ve heard all the bad things about them, run. Just fucking leave. Okay? Don’t be like me.

Get away from them before you find yourself with a business situation that never should have fucking happened, that cannot be resolved through normal means.

Like. Staying with Network Solutions cost me a fortune. I’m not joking. For me, anything over or near $5 is already pushing it; it hurts to spend money, my dude. But I was paying $60 USD, easy. Some years, it was more. All because I wanted to make sure my precious little webhome was ‘safe’.

At the time, to be fair, domain registration wasn’t really cheap; so, their prices, when we started our little business folie a deux, were very roughly comparable to the few other registars out there, that I knew I could use. But — well. It’s the little shit that getscha.

Por ejemplo: starting at Network Solutions, I’d pay like $20 a year. That was fine, at the time; with other registrars, it’s gone down more, now, and I buy domains all the time, nowadays, at cost. Meaning, I pretty much don’t even really pay anything to the registrar(s): I pay what they pay, in order to just registrar the darned name.

But then, that wasn’t all of it. Part of it, was the upsells. $20 USD for privacy protection! Something that later came standard, when you use places like Gandi and Porkbun. (Two BEAUTIFUL domain registrars! Try the veal! Wait, no, don’t; that’s baby cowsie.)

Anyways. $20 USD for privacy protection, so nobody could look at my webpages, and then look up my address and come shoot me, because they’re nuts. (Those kindsa threats happen more than you’d think, bah.) $20 for ‘expiration protection’; it was like paying for registration twice. only, they promised me some sort of dealie where I wouldn’t just lose my name, if I fucking forgot to renew the darned thing. And so on; and so forth.

Nowadays, even Google Domains has cheaper prices than Network Solutions. Though, if you get banned at Google? Who fuckin’ knows, man. I don’t know how that works.

In any case, ya girl don’t fuck around with registrars who charge more than about $10 per domain. Not anymore, anyways.

And you shouldn’t, either.


this is honestly sounding liek a confession from an abuse victim

The only reason that I stayed, was, because, at the time, I felt that it was impossible for my domain to be stolen from me. I mean, even now: I love my domain. It is a part of me. It is the realization of a dream I had since about 1994, or 1996; I first remember it feeling the strongest, in my breast, when I was making my own Geocities website. I wanted my own domain. But it was too hard to register; and webhosts, too stingy.

At the time… I had no idea that Network Solutions would eventually, essentially, be fucking competing with me for the domain names that I wanted. Actually, no; that’s not right. That was my worst fucking nightmare.

It’s not every day that you can say that a company fulfilled your worst fucking dreams for you.

When I joined Network Solutions, people were losing domains left and right. GoDaddy, especially, was infamous for handing people their ass, about this. Nowadays, it’s unheard of; it’s unspeakable, for someone to lose their domain. It just doesn’t happen: except, in extraordinary cases. Tales of intrigue that aspire to robberies of, like, museums, or somethin’.

So: at the time, keeping what I loved? That was a big worry, for me.

Especially since I had just lost my memory, yet again.

It was so hard to keep anything.

The trouble is, I have come to learn one terrible truth: that there is no real safety, but especially when it comes to domain names. They’re not yours, kids; nobody really ‘owns’ a domain name. It’s like saying that you own your property. Yeah; as long as you pay the taxes on it, I’m sure. And, just like with a domain name? As long as you make the renewal payment, and the registrar doesn’t fucking keel over and die, it’s yours. For however long that will be.

As it stands, right now, we’re all merely leasing domain namespace. For, at most, ten years at a time. And then, after that? Who’s to say. There are registrars offering domain name registration for 100 years; 1,000; forever. But these things, they’re not really built into the system. They’re just written agreements, that that registrar, or one to be appointed at that registrar’s demise, promises to keep registering your domain name, over, and over, and over again, for as long as they draw breath. And when they die? That’s over.

It’s like how Steam pretends that it’s going to make sure you can play all your games, once it keels over and dies.

Shit, man. You cannot even play all your Steam games, even right now!

Shit, man. You think we’re gonna be fuckin’ usin’ the Internet for another hundred years? Maybe the concept; but not the same protocol. If I hooked up my 1994 PowerPC Mac to the Internet, hell; I’m not sure it could even use the Ethernet connection. And if it could? I don’t think Nutscrape Navigator would know what it was even lookin’ at.

Who uses telegrams, still? Do you think that Gopher would still be ‘alive’, as a protocol, if it didn’t have its own Lords of Cinder keeping those digital bonfires warm? No. These technologies depend on humans to keep them running. And, not only can you not trust humans, you cannot even predict the future enough to tell if you’ll even be wanting to use these things anymore.

But that’s another story. Agh. I love writing. I love writing dis. :>

Back on topic: We’re leasing domain namespace, baby. And they’re nothing without webhosts. And, even then, if you get all your digital ducks in a fuckin’ row, you’re lookin’ at a lifetime of babysitting the goddamned domain. Just to keep it from bein’ stolen from you: one way, or another.

Because, y’see, a domain name, it’s not even an object. It has no physical presence. It means a bit more than an NFT; but, even then, it’s almost just as impermanent. It’s just letters, leading to numbers, leading to more numbers. And when the servers fall down, that’s it.

A domain name, to my chagrin, is not something you can put into your pocket, and keep safe, like a tree, or a piano. It’s completely digital: merely an entry in a list, curated by some human you don’t know. And, like with most concepts humans make, it can always be taken, away from you.

At the time, I was scared, and feeling as though I was holding onto my favorite, most-precious, most-prized possession. It was like my stuffed little duckie; or my care bear teddy bear. It meant the world to me. It still does.

But that version of me, however unchanged in some myriad ways, is a version fourteen years or more out of date. I ain’t no little kid no more, as much as I’d prefer to be. And now, like when I was a kid, I’m brave again. I don’t really give a fuck anymore; I’m not going to cower, and I’m not going to cry. I’m going to fight for the things that, through deals and contracts with humans, I have gained the right to have. I’m not like the little bitch baby from 14 years ago. even my dick is bigger, now

Y’know, I should’ve transferred that name away to a better registrar, ages ago.

It’s practically a miracle that I was brave enough to do it in 2020.


Well, this was a waste.

The biggest tragedy, besides me being a scared little bitch, was that I probably wasted at least $600 USD, over the course of a decade. All because I wanted to hold onto something I loved, so very dearly.

I could’ve bought a CINTEECH, mang.

Now comes the part of the story where I tell you about how all this shit didn’t really fucking work like it should have. Oh man. Oh God. Oh man. Oh God —

It was a real weird feeling, watching, with a sinking feeling, as the company stagnated. Every other registrar was running rings around them, implementing new features that made their domain controls a joy to use. There are domain control panels being run by private individuals that are easier-to-use and more feature-rich than the fucking Network Solutions domain control panel.

There are web hosting companies run by private individuals that are 10,000 times more responsive, WHEN IT COMES TO CUSTOMER SERVICE, than Network Solutions.

As time went on, not only did I stop liking Network Solutions, that dislike transmogrified itself into an outright distrust. The sort of thing that makes you want to get out of it, no matter what completely-legal maneuvers you have to pull.

And it’s not like I wasn’t warned. I was warned. But, then again, when normies are whining that they lost their domain names because they didn’t know they had to renew them? How much weight, do you think, I ought to give their ‘complaints’?

The worst part about human beings is never knowing who’s full of shit, and almost-never knowing who’s just plain stupid and/or unreasonable.

Things tend to go to pot with a registrar in a few different ways. Sometimes, it’s cost, which can be completely reasonable: a gamer gotta eat, right? So, when you run into a registrar that maybe charges $3 above-cost what the domain costs them to registrar… can you really blame them?

But, with Network Solutions, it wasn’t just one thing. It was all of them. With Network Solutions, it was little shit, piling up, that I feel did them in.

Network Solutions was acquired by Web.com: never a great sign, that. A big company gets another company; it only results in the quality of the customer service for both companies, going straight down the toilet. And so, when I saw that happen, I started battenin’ down the hatches. The storm was a-comin’.

But I thought I had a little bit more time.

I had fear, yes. Some fear. But, moreover, I had hope.

I had hope.

Shit.

And then I started using different domain registrars.

Holy shit. Between Gandi and Porkbun? Both of these registrars showed me exactly what I had been missing. Easy DNSSEC? Network Solutions’ control panel didn’t even have [email protected]! That’s the entire fucking reason I was gonna transfer, before; I wanted to make my precious baby as secure as womanly possible.

The fun part is I don’t even know what the fuck DNSSEC is.

The weirdest part came when I realized that even Google gave more of a shit about their user interface than Network Solutions did. A company, many times larger than Network Solutions, provides better customer service, and a better experience. Huh? How the Devil? Yeah, yeah, I know; it sounds like I got Google’s cock in my mouth. But, really: I’m honestly impressed.

Speaking of customer service: the only time I’d ever spoken to Network Solutions’ customer service, over the phone, was when I needed an EPP Code. I wanted to transfer a domain I had with them, back then. And… though the people were nice, they seemed a tiny bit out of their depth. When I know more about the thing I’m trying to do, having never done it before, yeah. Yeah, you’re fucked, kiddo.

When it came to Gandi, or Porkbun, those people always had their shit together. AND: I never had to call them for a fucking EPP Code. Fucking thing was always in my control panel, just like it always should have been.

Like I said before, the strange lack of DNSSEC support in Network Solutions’ online control panel was what originally made me start thinkin’ about movin’. Just why the shit doesn’t Network Solutions let you do DNSSEC online? I don’t get it; I read one or two news articles, way back when DNSSEC was first startin’ to be a thing… and it stated that Network Solutions was at the forefront of DNSSEC adoption. What happened? They just stopped fuckin’ caring? For, like, 16 goddamn years? The fuck?

Even worse, it seems that DNSSEC actually protects people from Network Solutions.

Now: if I had stayed with Network Solutions, I had read at least one article that told me that I would have to set-up DNSSEC wif them…

… over the telephone.

what

Listen. I’m not the greatest at setting up DNSSEC. I can do it; but, one of the steps that I’ve seen, is you have to input a long hexadecimal(?) code.

How’n the fuck I gonna do that over the telephone?

When it comes to reasons to leave, though, I would say that the first thing that spurred me into thinking about it was the treasure trove of bizarre, apocalyptic e-mails that I’d get from them, on occasion. And it never helped that I’d get these e-mails either very late at night; or, early in the morning.

I put my phone down next to me, on my nightstand (it’s a TV dinner eating stand), when I go to sleep. I look at it the first thing when I wake up.

Imagine waking up, and, first thing you see, is something telling you that you have 3, or 4, or even 7 days to do something, or else your favorite toy in the whole wide world is gonna get revoked.

The first couple of times it happened, I thought: huh. Guess this is just how this is. There’s no better way? There’s no better way: humans are just stupid; and, as such, they make stupid systems.

And then I used other fucking registrars, and I realized— oh. Ohhhhhhhh!

Network Solutions is just bad!

That’s what it is! That’s what it’s always been! They’re just fucking shitty!

My perception of Network Solutions being a place that mixes nascent technical incompetence with a genuine inability to care? Oh, honey lamb. Summer child. You beautiful, brain-damaged bird. That wasn’t just you being a shithead, honey! You were fucking sensing something! And that something, was danger!

In the words of the late, great George Carlin,

I’VE GOTTA GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE!!


The Great Escape

After getting that weird-ass e-mail, my first instinct, though now thankfully corrected, was to panic. I was gonna transfer the domain name away, immediately. But, as the COVID-19 situation in America was just starting to take shape — yes, honies; sweetiepies; I transferred this fucking thing away just as COVID-19 was starting its award-winningly-long feat of teabagging the United States, for all of eternity — I decided to wait a bit.

Because I thought COVID-19 might end.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Yeah. So, I thought that my domain would somehow get lost, as everybody vacated their jobs.

And so, I waited. And waited. And waited.

And, when it seemed that everything was pretty stable, I got the fuck out of there. Just as soon as I knew the coast was clear.

Here’s how long it took:

  • I initiated the transfer from Network Solutions, to Gandi, Wednesday, March 18th, 2020, at 1:53 P.M., U.S. Central Standard Time. I live in Illinois, in Amerika.
  • Gandi reported that the transfer was done at 9:55 P.M., March 23rd, 2020. A Monday. Network Solutions reported it was done at 10:08 P.M., on the same day… BUT THEY DIDN’T LIST WHAT REGISTRAR GOT IT. FUCKING LOL Regardless, it passed into my Gandi account, just fine, thank you.
    • Going by Gandi’s estimate, that is 128 hours and 2 minutes for a transfer, from Network Solutions, to Gandi. 460,920 seconds, or somewhere thereabouts.
    • When I originally wrote this, I asked myself: Could this have been done faster, had I done it on a Monday? Possibly; but, as much as I searched, I could not find anything that said that this kind of shit, transfers, are only done during the weekdays.

Now here’s the kicker. Having transferred something like 50 to 100 domains, since I wrote that — 638 goddamned, mother-weathering days ago — I can now safely report that I can transfer a domain name in less time than it takes one to take a coffee shit. Network Solutions was the problem. Network Solutions is such an antiquated, just plain stupid, outdated registrar, that Google, Gandi, and Porkbun, all run rings around them.

I originally put that information up there so I could provide it to others, as well as reference it later, when I got better at domain transfers.

Oh man.

What a thrill.

IT TOOK 128 GODDAMNED HOURS FOR MY DOMAIN TO TRANSFER FROM NETWORK SOLUTIONS TO GANDI. WHEN I TRANSFER DOMAINS FROM GANDI IT TAKES LESS THAN 10 MINUTES.

Gandi, for their part, did everything they could have, instantaneously. It was Network Solutions that was dragging their ass, there. Oh, they told me: I could cancel the transfer, until March 22nd, 2020, 4:57:14 P.M. EDT. Oh yeah, asshole? That’s funny: IT TOOK OVER A FUCKING DAY AFTER THAT FOR YOU TO ACTUALLY GIVE ME THE BLOODY THING HOLY SHIT

The absolute, bare-minimum effort, resulting in the utter maximum of time to transfer a domain name away, is 144 hours. And, I found out something.

Did you know that, the more-incompetent a registrar, the longer it’s going to take?

IT’S A FUCKING WONDER THE DOMAIN EVEN CLEARED HOLY SH

Let me just put it this way: if you’re worried that your domain is in limbo, you are completely fucking right to feel fear!

Amusingly, transfers away from Network Solutions don’t take the longest that I’ve ever experienced. That’s what I wrote in 2020. Now, December 15th, 2021? I’ve got no fucking clue what I was talking about. What domain was that, exactly? Eh, who knows.

In any case, this section has been me giving you basic information as to what to expect, when you transfer a domain. You should, in the year 2021 or beyond, be able to transfer a domain away in a few minutes. If it takes more than a day, something is fucking wrong with your registrar, and you should RUN

It’s funny, though. Nobody ever gave me this information. What the Hell is it about the World of Technology where nobody talks about this stuffs?? In any case, at least this information is now out there.

Here’s what you should expect from a modern registrar: it’s going to take, usually, 10 minutes, to half an hour. If it’s a transfer from one modern registrar, to another modern registrar, you’ll probably be done in a little under an hour, even worst-case scenario. But, if you’re using a truly INCOMPETENT ONE, well. Then you’ll be facing some fucking snail mail wait times.

I bet I could fucking mail myself an EPP code faster than Network Solutions could transfer a domain.

If you’re new at this game, by the way, and you want to transfer a domain, just go with Porkbun. Or, Google. Porkbun is great; they’re very nice people. Gandi is nice, too, but the interface might throw new people. Porkbun is simple, and it is good.

Whatever you do, though, please don’t fucking use Network Solutions. I knew that this was how it was gonna end. I still went through with it, though, and I regret it. I feel stupid; humiliated. How could I have been so damn scared, that I accepted the unacceptable?


In closing, ladies and gellyspoons,

I don’t like to assume the audience’s motivations. I don’t want to think about what they’re thinking. I want to think about what I’m thinking, and perfectly articulate that, for my own enjoyment. Most of this textual display is essentially an act I’d still do, without an audience. I don’t do this for anybody but myself.

That being said, I know that you might be thinking: oh, what’s the harm of them [Network Solutions] giving you a domain, for free? Why are you so upset?

Because they asked if I wanted it, and I said no, because I didn’t want to use them anymore. And they did it anyway, against my wishes, resulting in a situation where, if I did not pay an exorbitant price to get it away from them, I faced the prospect of my favorite nickname having at least one domain name that was being squatted on by a spambot.

That means something to me. It’s not only a breach of trust, but, it caused me substantial emotional distress. This hurt me. It created a significant burden that I had to overcome, on my own free time. I wasted manhours on this shit. The domain name, a year later, is still in my hands. But, every day, as it comes closer and closer to being renewed, I have to ask myself: should I waste the money on it (it has the worst, ugliest TLD, EVAR); or, should I just let it fall into the hands of some spambot? It’s a tough choice to make, and, even now, I don’t think I’m ready to give it away.

If you don’t think this is bad, welp. Hey; if you want to deal with this shit, be my fuckin’ guest, mate. 😛

I hope that they don’t willfully register anything you want, or, rather, don’t want. Because, if you work with these assholes, surprise: you’re essentially signing up to have a competitor for your domain names, and said competitor is the one that’s holding all of your domain names. You can’t trust shit like that.

The thing that gets me, is, even completing the opt-out didn’t fucking work. And, as a result, I had to babysit the fucking thing for about 60 days, until I could transfer it out of their hands. The whole damn time, I was upset that they might accidentally oopsie-woopsie and commit a massive, world-ending Fucky-Wuckus UPON me, and charge me massive amounts of fees for shit I EXPLICITLY TOLD THEM NOT TO REGISTER.

At the time, I wasn’t sure that I was going to transfer it. It cost $22 USD, and that, my dear friends, is enough money to eat like a queen for 3 days. All the french fries and hamburgers and choccy milk I could drink, mates.

But I did it. I goddamned did it. And, worst of all, at the time?

If they hadn’t registered it in the first fucking place, I knew a place where I could’ve registered it, for 10 fucking years, at $1.99 per year.

They took that from me.

At the time, even letting the domain expire was something I was worried about. Because, Network Solutions could have just decided: OOPSIE DOODLY DOO! YOU OWE ME $600, YOU PIECE OF FUCK! GIVE ME EVERYTHING OR I WILL NETHERLANDS YOUR ASS

Thankfully, though not by their own free will, I’m betting, they did not fucky-wuck me.

Yet.

YET


The Bottom Line

Sometimes, a business fucks up. And, from that point on, they straighten up, and fly right. I’ve seen it before. No real company comes to mind; but I know that I’ve witnessed it. Sometimes, bad business policies are never revisited.

But, most of the time?

Most of the time, once you can’t trust a motherfucker, you just can’t trust a motherfucker.

I almost wish that I hadn’t tried them. I was far too lenient; too forgiving. And the horror stories. I was confident, beyond all measure of proper care. The word, I think, is that I was reckless. And I suffered for it.

Even now, I have no idea if they’ll ever revisit this incident, and do something fucking bizarre with my account. They already registered one domain name when I told them no; what, indeed, is there to ever stop them from doing it again? Never forget that Network Solutions has a history of renewing shit against their customers’ wills.

I’m still probably fucked. But you don’t have to be. Please. Don’t use these assholes. I really did not need this shit in my life.


Warm Salsa

A lot of the times, after I write something like this, I get messages; e-mails; and other various forms of communications, from the people or companies that I write about. In part, a part of me likes to think that they’re trying to make things right. Or what the fuck ever; most of the time, I feel like I’m getting bribed.

I’m not writing this to get a written apology, to shame them, or to even make certain this never happens again. I’m writing this because they hurt my fucking feelings, and I use my writing as a way to process my emotions. That’s it.

The time for customer service is over. I’m done. This is done: the fucking domain name is there, and I don’t trust them to do anything further. With any domain name.

I don’t write these things just to get free shit, kids. I’ve stopped accepting any manner of free shit, because it makes me feel dirty. I write these things because a wrong was committed, and I’m going to talk about it until I feel better.

Network Solutions fucking offered to register a domain name for me. When I said no, they did it anyway. Not only did I not want it, but they put me in a position where I would have to pay a substantial amount of money, much higher than it would cost to register it myself, through another registrar, just to keep it from getting squatted by some spambot that buys freshly-dropped domain names.

To make matters worse, Network Solutions decided to forward the fucking newly-registered domain name to the domain that I had transferred away from them. They essentially almost ruined my fucking SEO, by producing, to Google’s eye, what looked like a mirrored version of my website.

What the fuck? Why?

Why would you do that? Was that done automagically? Why did they have the information there, from my previous website? How did they do that, when I didn’t give them any DNS, any name server information, for years upon years?

Can they do that now?

Are they doing that now, with other domain names, that I don’t know about?

Jesus. This is upsetting me now, even a year later. What the Hell?

this whole thing was a crying shame. In a world where people are choking to death on their own liquefying lungs, I know it’s not all that important. But it was important to me. And that’s okay.

Now, the one thing I haven’t mentioned, is this place called TLD-list.com. If you want a domain name, check that website out, first. It’ll give you all the best domain name registration, renewal, and transfer prices. And you’ll see who you should be using, and who you should stay far fuckin’ clear away from. You’ll also find TLDs/Domain Suffixes you ain’t even heard of! :3c

You have my advice. You have my recommendations.

Please don’t use Network Solutions. For anything, really.

Also: Cloudflare’s new Registrar was a fucking disaster. Nothing but horror stories, from their own goddamned forum, to boot. So… yeah. Now you know.

Later!