I have written this dozens of times, if not hundreds, if not thousands. I write it because I have pain in my heart about this. I write this because I want to get it out of there.

Here’s the deal. When I first got on the Internet, about— oh Hell, let’s just say it was 1994— I had this dream. I had this dream, that I’d get a cool webpage. Then, the dream became, I’d have a cool website. Then the dream became, I’d have a bunch of cool websites.

The thing is, I’ve seen a lot of people try. This is a full-time job. I cannot do it. And as I get older, the thing that scares me the most, is, I’m not sure I even want to, anymore.

Let me just list down my regrets.

  • I regret that I could never have had a website where I shared pirated software, and anime, and games. Or whatever you call that: a lot of websites did things like this, for games that were never even sold in America. And they got their asses handed to them. Me, being able to see this, and wanting to avoid legal trouble, I never did it. I don’t necessarily regret it; but, I still think about how I didn’t get to have that fun.
  • I regret that, after 28 years, I never have yet gotten the perfect website. I never learned HTML or CSS formally; so, I’ve been stumbling through it, this entire time. I’ve gotten better at it, but not by much. At least, I don’t feel.
  • I regret that I never got to have the sort of fun that I wanted to.
  • I regret that I never enjoyed fame like I wanted to. Instead of enjoying it, and revelling in it, I acted as though I had a duty to protect people. So, I eschewed it. I eschewed fame. And I feel like I probably wasted that opportunity. Or maybe I didn’t.

I’m not really sure, anymore. After a lifetime of using computers, yesterday, I got gigabit internet.

Here’s the strange part:

I have nothing left to download.

I feel sad about a lot of things. I feel sad that Arcadium never came back. I feel sad that I never got Verified on Twitter, or YouTube, or— you know the rest. As my father used to say, I got a wild hair again, and I applied to Pinterest, once more. If it goes through, it goes through. But I doubt that it will.

The Polywork thing was very fun. I worry about them. I saw some tech executives making fun of them, online. The person at Polywork was very polite. But I know that had to hurt. And I hate that for them.

I hate that people try so fucking hard and then people shit on them.

I’ve tried to modulate my personality to be pleasant to others. And I just…

I don’t even know who I am anymore. I don’t know why I want what I want. But I know what I want, and it’s shit like, I just want a cool fucking website before I give this all up.

I just want my childhood dreams to come true.

And if they don’t?

Well. I can make them come through.

I can have my cool fucking website, certainly.

I don’t know, man.

I don’t know anymore.

I just want to be happy, and I don’t know how to have fun on the Internet any longer.

I hate that I cannot communicate with people like I used to. The world is not what it used to be, and people are much more closed off. The things that I wrote, to get friends— to cast my voice out there, as if a lure— they don’t work anymore. I meet like-minded people, but I feel like there aren’t enough of them for what I do to be properly worth my time.

Like I said: I don’t know anymore. I know that I’m searching for something. But I just don’t know how I’m going to get there. I know what I have to do, to make my dreams come true. I have to finish the projects that I’ve started.

I just don’t know how to make myself do it. I don’t know how to take all the steps, to learn what I need to do. I don’t know how I can do the work, steadily.

And I’m so fucking lonely.

All I wanted was to have Arcadium back.

Instead, alL I’ve got is… this.

I think the thing that bothers me the most is that nothing I was told was actually true. All the shit about Verification being well-maintained; all the shit about Human Systems working as intended, perfectly. Nothing actually was true. Nothing at all was true.

It made me sad.