So I’ve been looking at how these things work, objectively. Like, where there are holes— what can be done. That sort of thing. I want to do this legitimately, and you cannot trust anyone to do it for you illegally. Not that I would do that. Even if I could pay, I wouldn’t do it that way. This is a game to me. (This is the last fun thing I have to do online. :< )
So, when it comes to Verification, you’ve got a few easy ones. You’ve got Amazon, which is probably the hardest of the easiest ones, but it’s strictly computer-based. As in, there aren’t any humans in your way. If you have the followers / the engagement, they let you in automagically. It’s great. It’s when humans get involved that this shit gets to be a problem.
Google is the second easiest one, though it took me a while to figure that one out. (These things are like puzzles to me.) The idea is that you have to do something to convince Google’s A.I. to make a Google Knowledge Panel (Googoo Knowledge Panel) on you. The way you do this is pretty simple:
- Use the following statement: [name] is a(n) [occupation]. Anything else you put on here is gravy, but it should be consistent across your social media profiles. Try to get a Crunchbase and a Muckrack and a Linkedin account, and say the same shit on all of them. Make your social media profiles, across every social media profile you can get, the same in the bio, as well as the same username. Google doesn’t really give a shit about you: its A.I. will just pull together similar information, across these various ‘trusted’ sources of information. This might not work, all the time. But the next thing does.
- Publish a book on Google Books. Not really a headache but don’t half-ass it. Only do this if you have a passion for writing, and you actually want to publish a book. If the book title is unique, and the name you published it under is unique, you’re going to get a Google Knowledge Panel in the span of at least 44 days. Probably less. Just search both separately in quotation marks (“Your Name” or “Your Book Title”), and you’ll see it. Then you can claim it, and you’re Verified. Sometimes Google can’t find the panel for your author name here, so you’re going to have to depend on the top one to actually get a claimable panel. Sucks but that’s how it happened to me.
- Get a Wikipedia page. This is like walking in the middle of a battlefield. Even if you’re supposed to be there, you’re still probably gonna get shot. It’s not a great analogy/metaphor but it made me laugh. Wikipedia is full of cunts.
Those are fairly easy. Pornhub is easy as well: anybody can get Verified there. The real question is if you want to. I don’t give a shit, and I don’t have the same bizarre American ‘sex hangups’ that these people do. It’s just sex. Doesn’t need to be dirty.
Anyway, there are other places that are easy to get Verified at. I’ve probably said all this but this is releasing nervous energy and it’s a good article, so let’s just do this.
Ask.fm is probably the easiest to get Verified at, but who would want to? Post there daily for six months, and they’ll give you a checkmark if you ask. In fact, I might do that as a pet project. It’s not really worth it, and I feel like it’s going to close down before I get it, but it’d be hilarious to have. Or hilarious to be declined for. Declined for? How do you say that? The things we need to talk about don’t have any proper syntax in English that allows us to comfortably articulate them. On second thought, I just logged in and it made me want to kill myself. not really worth it.
GIPHY is another one of those services that’s popped up and thinks it’s hot shit. They verify people, but apparently I wasn’t famous enough. I can’t think of a way to actually use this service, so, if this is worth something to you, you can probably work at it real hard, because the only requirements are to post GIFs that you made. So, if you’re an artist, this is your site. It’s fucking useless though.
I tried to look up an article to see what other no-name services offer Verification, but I couldn’t find any. The only one I can think of is Pinterest, but that’s not a no-name one. It’s pretty easy to get Verified there: just post fashion pictures you took yourself. They love that shit. Then request it in like half a year. They might even select you themselves.
Let’s get to the ones that are fucking impossible, though.
TikTok is okay if you’re a young’un. I am not a young’un. Snapchat’s great if you’re a pornstar. Is it Snapchat where people pay to follow naked people? I don’t give a shit.
The two big ones that are fucking impossible to get Verified at are Facebook and Instagram. Really, they’re two heads of the same hydra, but they’re not the same.
On Facebook, their public-facing documentation is all over the place. One page says you can’t request a badge; a newer suite of documentation says that you can. All-in-all you get auto-declined if you don’t meet a certain threshold, and since my legal name isn’t the same as my chosen one, there’s no way in Hell a trans person like me is going to get Verified there. So fuck ’em. Buncha nazis anyways.
On Instagram, you give them your driver’s license, and pray.
I’m serious. There’s no way to tell them anything. It’s basically the worst form of verification possible. It’s stupid.
As it stands right now, the only game left in town is Twitter. With Twitter, all you need to do is—