I remember being a kid, and thinking about the future. We were poor; and we had a lot of problems. So, I’d be pwaying FF8— it was usually FF8, because I really love that game, a lot— and, if it was some other JRPG, then it would be that. But I’d be sitting there, on one screen or another, almost completely alone. And I’d start to get to thinking about the future.
It’s bad right now, right? . . . but it’s going to be better, in the future! And we’ll all be happy, there.
In the future!
And then, it just never got better.
No light at the end of the tunnel.
Throughout my life, I have been told that there is some light at the end of the ‘tunnel’. That, if I try hard enough, that, eventually, I will be happy.
I haven’t been happy since 1997. This is not some sort of ‘mood disorder’. This is not ‘depression’, as caused by brain chemicals. It’s due to one thing, and one thing, only— my life hasn’t been fulfilling since 1997.
I’ve tried to do a lot of what human beings have told me to do. But it just never ends; nothing they suggest, no manner of thinking, no medication, no nothing, can get me away from this one, simple fact: I don’t like it here. I don’t like it here, and I have not liked it here, pretty much ever.
I can tell you one thing: America almost universally sucked. Japan was great. I could go back to Japan in a fucking heartbeat. I want to go back to Japan. If I could go back there, then— I feel like I could actually breathe.
I’m writing this as a way to say— No. It’s not me. I don’t like this. I don’t like this. I don’t want to be here.
I fucking hate America. I fucking hate the dumb, racist assholes here. I fucking hate being looked down on. This shit never happened outside of America! I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with Americans; but, Jesus fucking Christ. You assholes suck.
I don’t want to deal with Americans ever again, actually.
Why I’m ‘depressed’
It’s because America is a shitty place to live.
You might say, ‘oh, you have the luxury of all these choices in merchandise’— my local grocery store doesn’t even have eggs. You don’t have milk. Nothing I want is sold in American stores. I import all my shit from— that’s right, places that aren’t fucking America.
I don’t want anything from here, anymore.
I don’t like the fast food.
I don’t want to eat the food here. Your portions are too big.
And the whole thing where people who have American citizenship have to pay taxes to the U.S. Government, and fucking pay to not be a citizen anymore? You can suck my ass on that one, chief. When First Contact happens and the space aliens show up, I’m gone.
That’s why I’m so depressed— it’s because I live in a place with racist white assholes.