When I was a kid, I had a dream. I wanted to make a website; I wanted to have a website.
I wanted a domain name. And I wanted to have a https url: because that meant you were really with it.
I got all of them. Today, I have all of these.
I have my own server.
I have all the help in the world to do whatever it is that my little heart desires.
I can make whatever website I want.
I have the domain name of my dreams— multiple, to be honest.
And not only can I sign my own SSL certificates, but I don’t even need to.
I have my own content delivery network. How? lol
Back when I first started, I couldn’t find webspace. I bounced between multiple free web servers.
Do you remember crosswinds? and xoom? And tripod; and angelfire; and fortunecity; and Geocities!
Now, that’s all over.
It’s all over.
And this is going to be over, now, soon, too.
It’s going to be over because my dream will finally come true— and that means that the chase will be over. The dream, obtained, there will be no more wanting. There shall be only peace— peace, and fulfillment.
And yet, I am afraid.
Because I don’t know how to live without pain.
I don’t know how to feel without my feelings being backed by wanting.
In obtaining my dream, I fear my personality’s own annihilation.
Will I die when I win?
If I am not depressed— if I am happy— will I no longer feel?
My life has been defined by pain and suffering and sadness for so long, that I don’t know how to— when I feel happiness, my memory shuts down. I don’t remember much. My mind is tuned to remember pain.
When I don’t feel pain, I don’t remember anything.
Isn’t that like dying? To not remember things?
I don’t know.
When I win, will I die?
This dream has been one of the few constants in my life.
Without my dreams, will I cease to exist?
I think the funniest thing is that, when I was a child, the domain name I wanted the most was spry.net. I don’t know why; because, I saw it on an Arcadium profile, and they had a URL like,
And what I wanted, for all the world, was to have
Because I thought that was the coolest shit evar.
I still do. It’s why I used tildes so much as a child; it’s why I used to sign my nickname,
I didn’t remember that, until right now.