I have myself a problem. This problem is a happy one. Though, it is as maddening as it is pointless, and easy.
Here’s my problem: what the fuck does it mean to be Verified on Amazon?
Take a good look at this. Here it is: its most-important constituent particles. These, my friend, are the germ, collectively, that makes verification, what it is.
Actually, not really. I can upload whatever icon I want (this one is from the Castlevania: Order of Ecclesia 4koma that I once tried to translate), so it doesn’t mean anything. This is not a part of elongating the article, so that I have content for Google to spider. No sir.
But seriously: that’s not even a part of it. “Pint-sized Miscreant” is a subtitle that I can change. And I did. I am not Verified as a Pint-sized Miscreant. Though I probably could be, as I did get Verified as “Other” gender. On Pornhub.
Just let me have this, okay?
Suffice to say, the only thing I got verified for, as, is— I’m Margaret Gel.
I am Margaret Gel.
And still, that isn’t even my legal name. In America, at least. But that’s okay: they know my American legal name. They got all my tax datas.
So. I am verified, as Margaret Gel.
This isn’t the first time this has happened. Suffice to say, the people who worked at Vid.me, they are good people. They understood my deep, emotional need to be a star-bellied sneetch. I asked; and they provided.
The Vid.me team once tried their hand at selling digital art(?). I didn’t quite understand it, but I supported them in their endeavors. For their kindness, I will always support them. As such, I am directing you to at least check out their latest endeavor, something called “Knowable“.
Personally, teaching me is like screaming instructions at a wild animal. So I cannae tell you exactly what the use of such a place could be. I don’t listen.
But maybe you’ll find it useful.
Who knows, right?
Anyways: let’s stop with this. I’m gettin’ misty.
On Pornhub, it’s better. Or maybe, it’s worse. I’m not insulting them: I love those people. Getting Verified in 13 minutes makes a motherfucker grow on ya.
But still: what the shit does this mean? There’s no rhyme or reason, here. They Verified that I was “Other” gender. I Am Other.
Let’s put all these things together.
- When I got Verified on Vid.me, I had over 100,000 followers, on various accounts. I still do: it’s a bit lower. On my main account, I had a little over 30,000 followers (now down to something like 18.9k, because man does Twitter suspend a motherfucker); on my other account, where I mostly talk shit, I had, about, 20,220 followers. (Down to 16.3k, or something. I mostly got rid of the Neo-Nazis.)
- At the time, I don’t think I had 50 followers on Vid.me; which was one of their qualifications. But, I did have about 2,200 subscribers on YouTube; so maybe that clinched it.
- Maybe the person who Verified was just nice.
That’s great, but what does it mean?
Well, it doesn’t mean much of anything. Because Verification on Vid.me never really meant anything. It merely meant that they liked you.
So: Vid.me liked me.
I like that a lot more than anything else.
What the fuck does being Verified on Amazon even mean? They know who I am? Is that it?
Oh, I’m a ‘Verified Amazon Influencer’. So they Verified that I am an Influencer. At least, according to Amazon’s standards. Which, I should note, are probably pretty good.
So that’s what that means. If you apply to the Amazon Influencer Program, basically, some sort of computer script just checks your engagement numbers, and they see if what you got is what they want. If it passes a certain threshold— I think. Then again, who knows.
So what does that mean—
Okay. That tells me nothing. What the fuck—
OKAY NOW I’M JUST GONNA DIE LAUGHING
MY OPINIONS ARE VALUED BY AMAZON, AND OTHERS
Okay whatever yeah. So, basically, if you’re Verified on Amazon, it means that your opinions are valued. By Amazon.
Boy, if that just don’t reek of bullshi
Are you witnessin’? Are you winnin’, son?
I’m not winnin’.
Suffice to say, Pornhub’s Verification system is the most-sensical. I guess that makes sense, toot: because, in Porn, you can’t exactly fuck around.
That is the worst unintentional pun I have ever made. Or witnessed.
In any case, the Pornhub Verification page, which I am deathly afraid of linking to, states that they provide a “free identity verification service”. And, by becoming Pornhub Verified, it is proven, that you are “real”.
Now what the fuck is that supposed to mean? I get it. But—
Pornhub’s Verification System, just to get Verified, only requires that you take a picture of yourself, holding a piece of paper. And the piece of paper has to have the name of the website, the URL without the www, and your username on said web zone.
I wrote it on the piece of paper, and my arm.
I got Verified in 13 minutes.
This doesn’t prove that the person in the picture is me. Though I doubt you could pay somebody to do what I did, as it would seem super weird, I’ve heard horror stories about some people on certain websites, who got paid to do such a thing. And, well. It’s whatever. But I think they should’ve been paid more than $5.
Well, this has been a fever dream.
Thank you for reading, and God Bless Our Troops.