Back around 2014 and 2015 and 2016, I made a habit of lying about my age. Particularly this was because I wanted to act as a catfish, to catch pedophiles who were trying to perv on kids. As time went on it became less and less effective; and, eventually, I just went and officially published my birthdate. Mostly, this was an attempt to just have a permanent record of it out there, so that people could easily look it up (and no artist would block me for being underage).
But one thing that bothers me to this day, is, the extreme multitude of female pedophiles who contacted me. Some may not have even been real: I know that two of them were actually just sending me nude pictures of a woman they were not. For what purpose, who knows? It doesn’t matter. I don’t really care anymore about them.
Who I do think about a lot, are, a few ladies in their 30s and 40s, who, out of the blue, sent me either pictures of their cleavage, or, just plain topless photographs. As always, I went through my protocol: I told them I was underage. I wanted to see what they would say, back.
They only sent me more naked pictures of themselves.
There’s not a single woman who did this to me who was below the age of about 34. I think about this, a lot. Not because it’s an object of fascination, to me; not because it’s a ‘hot’ fantasy. I’m actually repelled by people who display attraction to me. I am incredibly sexually traumatized, not to mention traumatized, and I don’t like when people try to flirt with me. It brings up bad feelings. I myself am as close to being asexual as is possible for me. To put it succinctly, I’m only interested in one person, my wife, and getting through my sexual trauma literally took me over a decade. It’s still a continuing process, too.
That being said, I’d like to talk about what they said to me.
Bile Fascination
The following examples were all reported to the proper authorities. As all of these happened on Twitter, I assume that the FBI received the chat logs and the things these people sent me, when they requested evidence from what I had reported. I reported all of these through NCMEC. Probably all of the culprits were in GamerGate.
There were about 4-5 specific women that I’d like to discuss. However, there are many more that I cannot even remember the names or faces of; and, well. I don’t save things that people send me in DMs, for reasons that will soon become obvious.
The first, whose name I have chosen not to publish (due to the fact that they already have lost everything, in part because of what they did, and also because I do not feel comfortable putting their name down in stone), sent me a nude photograph that she purported to be herself. It was not. If it matters, they were once considered to be the most-prominent woman in GamerGate.
The second woman was a person who used old nude photographs of a woman who was once an apparently-famous ‘camgirl’, as a lure, sending them to me in direct messages. Depending on the photograph, the woman was either in her mid to late 20s, or early to mid 30s (the photographs were from a 11 year timespan, starting at about 23 or 24). This situation was strange; by the first or second photograph, I knew that they were trying to catfish me with images not of themselves. I told them multiple times that I was underage; they did not care. The things they sent to me, and said to me, increasingly became more sexually-explicit. I tried to play along, pretending to take the bait, to see where they would take all of this. The strangest part of all of this is they kept on telling me that they did not want me to respond to the pictures. Eventually, I confronted them, and their explanation for why they did such a thing? Both incoherent, but also revealed that they had been masturbating during the ‘exchanges’, the entire time. This lasted a little over a year, IIRC. They were also, and still are, in GamerGate.
The third woman, along with her boyfriend, tried to convince me to move to Canada, so that I could impregnate the woman. I have no doubt in my mind that this was, in fact, just an attempt to kidnap me, thinking I was an actual child. This woman and her boyfriend sent me naked, sexually explicit pictures of themselves, as well as made several sexually-explicit videos of themselves, whether it was her masturbating, him masturbating, or them having sex. At this fucking point, seemingly very enthused over having found whom they believed to be a real child, this shit never fucking stopped. They kept spamming my DMs long after I told them to stop. They were also both in GamerGate.
A man attempted to groom me in DMs, and kept sending me sexually-explicit media. I reported him, and reported him again after he claimed to have child pornography. He was also in GamerGate.
Another woman, someone who had been my friend for about a year, began to try to groom me after I falsely publicly revealed that I was a minor. (I am not.) Before I could say anything else, she had sent me two sexually-explicit photographs of herself. I tried to talk to her for a bit, before, heartbroken, just coming out and telling her– you know, I’m an adult. And I’m shocked you tried to groom me, what the fuck are you doing? We’ve since parted ways, and she’s never acknowledged her odd and abhorrent behavior.
Yet another woman who I had been friends with, who was 34 at the time, heard that I was 14, and decided to send me a picture of her cleavage, saying that she 1. loved me, and 2. wanted to kiss me. Immediately I asked her if this was a joke; she said, no. I asked her why she had sent the photograph. The woman said that she wanted to get me ‘hard’. After asking me if I wanted more pictures, I declined, and she stopped talking to me for a bit. It’s been about 7 years since I’ve spoken with her; she seems to have vanished.
Out of about 20,000+ active GamerGate participants, I met a few pedophiles here and there. Not all of them, mind you– but, irritatingly, nobody really seemed to care that there were so many.
Why I’m Writing This
When I was in high school, I was groomed by my female math teacher. I’ve told the story before. It is painful to go into detail. Suffice to say that she kissed me; started to try to do things that were making me bleed, such as biting me, and twisting / hurting my genitalia; and, well. The entire experience fucking traumatized and confused me. Initially, she was a person I was commisserating with: she claimed that her husband was abusing her, and I offered sympathy, and I was actively listening to her. The next thing I knew, she was forcefully kissing me, and drawing blood by biting my lip. That woman seemed to enjoy causing me pain. That woman also offered to ‘give [me] a blowjob in [her] car’, and talked about me impregnating her, in some house she owned, where her husband wasn’t. The entire experience was strange.
Just like with a lot of the women above, I cared about them. One of the women in GamerGate had been my friend for a while; but I didn’t know her that well. But the other woman, who showed me her cleavage, went from a normal friend, to someone who was acting ravenously. And I want to understand why.
One of the women I talked to who were trying to groom me, she explained to me why she had sent me, and would continue sending me, naked pictures of herself. First and foremost, she claimed that, due to my supposed innocence, that it made it hotter, and safer for her to do what she was doing to me. Second, she said that, because of my supposed age, that she felt safe sending me naked pictures of herself; because, without any experience on my part, there would be no ‘excessive’ judgement of her naked body. That woman claimed that the entire situation was educational, and helpful, for a growing boy, like myself.
And that’s about all I want to say about that.
I still don’t understand.
The thing that bothers me the most about these women is that I loved every single one of them. They were my friends. I cared about them. And then, when they heard I was 14, shit changed.
In the beginning, we were friends; then, they thought I was underage, and, things changed. They began to try to groom me. They began to send me sexually-explicit imagery, of themselves.
My first and only thought about the entire thing, was— if they were interested in me as an adult, at the very least I could gracefully turn them down. It would be sad; I would feel bad. But I wouldn’t be creeped out by the entire thing. I have a natural blindspot for judging women. I like pretty ladies. I am honorbound to protect them. So, what happens when a pretty lady is actually trying to hurt me? It’s an eventuality that I have not been programmed for.
In vain, I kept trying to talk to them for as long as I could. They were my friends. I even wanted some of them to go, ‘lol, psyche, I knew you weren’t a kid’; but they never did. They never did. And I think that’s what hurt my feelings, the most.
What did they think of me? What was their plan? Did they love me? Did they even like me? Or was I, to them, just another victim? Just another toy for them to use?
I like when pretty ladies like me.
I don’t know how to deal with these experiences, and they hurt to think about.
Pain
If you’re thinking that I’m defending them, I’m not. What they did was wrong. I know that. It’s just, I have absolutely no idea how to feel about what they did to me, emotionally. I have lived a life where I have seen countless women abused by men. And I have always done my best, and everything even without my power, to protect pretty ladies. But what happens when those pretty ladies are bad?
When my high school math teacher kissed me, I wanted to run. Eventually, I did. After asking her to stop, I got out of that locked room as soon as I could.
Perhaps there is something that is not ordinary about me, what someone might call ‘abnormal’, or an ‘anomaly’, that does not give me the mental… tools, to understand such a thing. I am confused. And by confused, I mean—
I’ll just come out and say it. In my heart of hearts, I still wish we could’ve just been friends. The moment that they came on to me, groomed me, flirted with me, whatever the appropriate term is, it felt like… everything went wrong. And it would never be the same again.
My favorite female friendships are those where people do not flirt with me. Where they do not send me weird pictures of themselves. And, when it came to my highschool math teacher, I think that’s the crux of my pain.
That lady, my teacher, told me that her husband was abusing her. So the first thing I did was try to protect her. The next thing I knew, she was abusing me. That woman drew blood on my lips, my ears, my genitalia.
I wanted to protect her. I wanted to make sure she was safe. Was she lying to me?
Were the women in GamerGate lying to me, too? Did they not believe anything that they were saying? Were they deluded; or, did they think that what they were doing was ‘good’? I mean, thank God it happened to me; I’m an adult and it fucked me up.
How many women, or people, in GamerGate, abused kids?
How many did I never find?
Why I actually started writing this
For about a month or so before my female math teacher hurt me in high school, I had played around, in my mind, with the fantasy of kissing her. I’ve never had much in the way of ‘sexual’ fantasies; I just played around with some romantic idea. But, mostly, I put it out of my mind, because I was afraid that thinking about it while looking at her would somehow show on my face. Consider it magical thinking or the trauma talking.
When she kissed me, it was horrible. It was the worst fucking kiss of my life. It was the stupid fantasy meeting the horrid reality. And it just kept on getting worse. It kept on getting fucking worse.
That lady broke my heart, that day. Because—
The moment she kissed me, the moment before, I had told her that I was going to call my mom or my dad up, and get her the number for some domestic abuse hotline. And then, she began to abuse me.
I was trying to save her, and she started fucking trying to rape me.