I’m gonna tell y’all a little story.
Y’know, honestly? I truly believed, for a little bit, there, that human beings had something. That, maybe— just maybe— if I paid more attention, and went along with their bullshit, for a little while, I’d see the light. And they’d have been right, the whole time, about everything. They all said that I should just trust in their wisdom— trust in the process— and all would be well.
Well, I finally figured it out. Without the shadow of a fucking doubt, humans are stupid motherfuckers, and this is all a terrible charade.
I’ve been Verified at a couple of places. I’m not going to list them, because it truly does not matter. I always knew it didn’t; but, after the latest one, I’ve begun to realize… this is bullshit. There’s nothing here. The human ideal of societal advancement is bullshit. I don’t care about this anymore. This is a waste of my time.
I want to tell you why I did all this.
I pursued it because of my lifelong love of gold stars. Here’s the story: when I was in school, there were a couple of authority figures who would give out gold stars. A few of these authority figures would never give them out to me. Why?
One of them, point blank, admitted that it was because of the color of my skin. They said it quite plainly: that I would never get anything in life, and I would never be given anything by them, no matter how hard I worked, or tried. Because I was an n-word.
I was about 4 years old.
That has a bit of an effect on you.
None of what I have just done, trying to pursue this ‘verification’ business, would have happened, if two white adults hadn’t tried to bully me when I was a kid.
It was at that point in my life that I decided: nope. I’m getting everything that I want. Everything that I fit the qualifications for, I’m going to pursue. Because, fuck these racist-ass motherfuckers. I’m going to get it.
But here’s the thing: the thing that I’m pursuing, is gatekept by racist-ass motherfuckers. Hell, it was probably made by them. And, it doesn’t have any value. Not even emotional value, any longer.
I detest doing things in response to what racists have done to me. Because, then, they get to determine my behavior. They do something racist; I react to it; I become predictable. Thus, they can control my own behavior, through their own abhorrent actions. It becomes a sort of reactionary tug-of-war, where I feel like I might be vulnerable to being puppeted. I don’t live to be controlled by people who hate me.
Still, the sting of all this, remains. I was never accepted, here. Everything I tried to do, or get for myself, was always made harder, because of how a few racist people in power would discriminate against me. And then, online, having gotten a reputation for pushing back against people trying to bully others, I really do feel that I got ‘marked’. Somebody doesn’t like me. Probably a lot of somebodies. And these people guard all the doors, and they think they hold all the keys. Quite obviously, they don’t, as has been demonstrated in the past few days. Nothing good that happened with Google would have happened, if these people had the sort of grip that I suspected they did.
The thing here, though, is I cannot even really see if there’s anybody with a grudge against me. In real life, you can look at a person’s face, and judge by what they’re doing, what they’re saying, if they’re trying to keep you from reaching your goal, and why they’re trying. You can see if someone hates you, by looking into their eyes. Here, I don’t have that luxury. Instead of being able to see into the faces of people who might be trying to hold me down, I don’t even know if they exist. Have I made ‘powerful’ enemies? Or is it just ‘bad luck’, and the consequence of human beings not really giving a shit about each other?
As someone who’s had people trying to hold them back for the entirety of their life, I don’t know where to stop with this. Do I stop? Does it really matter? I know a lot of people who say they care about me, they seem to want me to stop. But people have always wanted me to stop from doing the things that make me happy. Some were even jealous of what they saw as my advancement.
It’s not advancement. This has always been meaningless. It’s just another bizarre social structure I’ve been suckered into.
In the end, this sucks, man. I quite honestly wonder if what I’m doing is right. Or if it doesn’t matter; or, if I should follow my heart, and have fun.
Quite honestly, I know why this all happened.
It was God’s way of showing me that I was never a part of this. That I was always apart, from this.
On the other hand, I have gotten pretty far. And, the vast majority of this is probably just me reacting to some shit a few racists have said. Which makes me think: What’ll I do now?
Obviously, Verification is meaningless. But it’s still a fun game to play. Can I do it? I bet I can do it. But where will it end? Will it ever end?
If it doesn’t, what’s wrong with having fun?
Eh, I don’t want to write about this anymore.
Here’s another section.
It has occurred to me that, because of several traumatic incidences in my life, I may have overestimated perhaps a few of the sorts of barriers that human beings have put up for me. Maybe. In my real life, I know for certain they were trying to keep me from succeeding. There’s always going to be one of those assholes.
I do want to be able to see, as clearly as I can, what the actual landscape is, vis a vis who the hell hates me, and is trying to keep me ‘out’ of certain places. But this is something that is very difficult, if not impossible, to figure out. And, considering I’ve gotten this far? It makes me wonder.
That having been said, I’d like to briefly list the ‘perks’ of Verification, across the big four(?) platforms.
Twitter: your posts get placed higher in search. That’s it. Also, the setting to only see mentions from other Verified accounts, that might still be there. Maybe. Considering how terrible Verified people are, this isn’t a boon. Nobody likes those pricks.
Facebook: Probably no real benefit. Doesn’t even really seem to mean that much.
Instagram: No real benefit because who the Hell uses Instagram?
Twitch and YouTube and Google aren’t really places where verification means anything.
In the end, it was always just something cool to strive for. But then, I have to ask myself— why would you ever strive for something that humans have made?
Well, it’s simple. I don’t think I can get it, and I feel like everybody’s trying to keep me away from it.
So I’m going to go get it.
Oh, who the Hell knows? I just know that I can’t let myself be controlled by other people’s expectations for me. And I want to see the mountaintop.
Trouble is, there’s never anything on said mountaintop.
It’s always nothing.
There’s nothing there.