The End

I’ve tried to write this for a while, now. Sometimes it’s a genuine desire to give up. Other times, it’s because I want to compartmentalize sections of my life, into sometimes-neat little chapters. This isn’t either of those. This is something else.

I have one goal left. That goal is a checkmark at Instagram, YouTube, Facebook (bleh), Twitter, or even TikTok. The only one I think I really have any shot at, is probably Instagram, or maybe even Twitter. But every single one of these presents its own problems. These problems are quite-easily surmountable if I just release one musical track and have Google mark my Knowledge Panel with the fact that I’m a musician: these social media networks love Musicians. But I don’t really feel like doing that. That’s not a valid part of my ‘game.’

Recently, I was honored in many different ways by a place called Polywork. I have archived several of these, in several different places, but these are the links I need to share:

  • My profile on the Polywork blog:
  • Being acknowledged: (Tweets)
  • My article:

I have been angry for a long fucking time. Most people, I do not think, are going to understand my headspace. Where I’m coming from. But I was angry because, largely, I felt that I was always denied a voice. I would see other people doing cool things, and they wouldn’t let me in. That is part and parcel for why I kept on pursuing Verification. Let me in.

That’s been most of my life: I haven’t really been accepted. So to be accepted, and to be treated as though what I’m doing has some sort of merit— to be treated fairly, if not justly— well. That extinguished the majority of my anger. That let me have peace.

However, there’s one final thing I need to do, before I go. And by ‘go,’ I mean, to stop questing for this; stop being so damn angry at Humanity.

I’m gonna have to see that sticker.

If I get it on Instagram, I think that’s the hardest one, to be perfectly honest wif you. It might be enough. But I’ll always be looking for when I can get Verified as an Author on Twitter. And so on. And so forth.

Facebook‘s dead. We all know that. TikTok‘s not my bag. Not yet, anyway. And neither is Instagram, if we’re being fair. I’ve only ever really ‘understood’ YouTube and Twitter.

When I started out on Twitter, I wanted to be famous. I wanted my voice to have some sort of ‘sway’. But, the later it gets in Twitter’s lifespan, the more I realize that no one really has a voice here. It’s all yelling; no reason. YouTube’s the same way. It’s kind of sad. All-in-all, until something wonderful happens in my life, I don’t think I really have that much left to contribute. We’ll see.

This quest I’m on is the quest to be able to put these things down. And walk away.

I tell myself that, whether or not I get Verified on Instagram this time, I’ll put this all down, and walk away.

I’m not sure I can ignore this burning.

To be honest wif you, the thing that really demoralized me, was, when people thought that they could use me as a weapon, or at least an incarnation of their hatred and dislike of others, that was when I was popular. It’s always been the same: people only really get famous sometimes because people find them ‘useful’. And I didn’t want to be used. I, indeed, took great strides to prevent myself from being used to hurt other people. And… that’s when I was no longer ‘popular’.

I look at everything else people are producing, and I’m jealous. I’m jealous that they can make these things. The only thing that I’m not jealous of is writing: because I have that down. There are people whose writing is more-popular, but it’s not a popularity contest, there, wif me. It’s a matter of whether or not I can make the things how I want to make them. And, for the most part, I’ve succeeded, there.

But it’s very difficult not to get very jealous, for me at least, when my timeline is nothing but people who can draw wonderful things. I thought I always wanted to be able to draw, like I could when I was a kid. But, the reality is, I neither have the patience for it, nor really the desire. I don’t particularly care, to be fair and honest. I’ve drawn a couple of people, and those drawings have a lot of meaning, to me. But, by and large, I don’t give a shit. I’m not interested in making people who don’t exist. I’m interested in either writing about, and possibly drawing them.

But it’s hard to see other people get popular for what I think is pretty much the electronic equivalent of falling off a log. I don’t really hate them, so much as I almost wish that I could have had something similar. It would have been nice to have been popular again, for being simply myself.

I don’t know. It’s all very sad.

I’m sure it’ll get better. c(◕ᴗ◕✿)