Space Alien Disclosure #1

Recently, it’s been discovered by human beings that Florida ranks quite high in UFO sightings. And astronomers are asking, what gives?

It’s because we have a research and development base in the Bermuda Triangle.


Now, honestly, you already think I’m crazy. But at the rate things are going, I have to disclose these things now; because, it’s going to be too much to remember later.

The base is about 50,000 years old. Well, it’s been there for 50,000 years; the structure itself is much older.

It was placed there because you cannot breathe water, and it’s primarily a weapons development facility.

‘Is that why planes kept disappearing near the Bermuda Triangle’ yup

Base Locations

Los Angeles, North-Central Illinois, Bermuda Triangle, with the rest kept secret for now. (If I don’t keep you in suspense, maybe you’ll stop loving me!)

Extra-Planetrary Locations

The Moon, Mars, Venus. Nobody on Venus really wants to deal with human beings. People on Mars are skeptical. People on the Moon are lonely.

Where the fuck are the ships, though?

Y’see, when First Contact happened roughly 50,000 years ago, it did not go well. So the aliens decided, eh, fuck it, let’s just live on this planet where human beings can’t go.

If you had the technology to dig very, very deep into the Earth in any reasonable capacity (larger than a drill’s resultant deformation of the Earf), you’d have found them by now.

If you had the wherewithal and the ability to organize and not kill each other for more than five fucking seconds, you would’ve found them when you started mining on the Moon; or, you would’ve found them when you landed on Mars. (That’s why you’ve lost one of your Rovers already. A kid took it.)

The ships are shielded from anything you can throw at them, by the way. Nukes don’t work, Jon.

You nuke one of these locations with a bunker buster, we go. You get me, gamer?

They’ll make the Seven Hour War look like a fuckin’ Merry-Go-Nowhere.

Is there an alien mothership in this solar system?

Dude there were like 7. But they’re all on Earth now, which gives you some idea of their size. (It doesn’t, really.)

Are aliens just human beings from 500,000 years into the future?

Don’t be so goddamned characteristically narcissistic. No. Well, actually, not these. Those fuckers are halfway across the goddamned galaxy.