Human Species Research Report III

In my zest and zeal to get this done, I’ve forgotten a few things.

  • First and foremost, I’m not with you.
  • Second, what the Hell human beings do during this is not my concern.
  • Third and final: you’re clearly the problem.

In everything I’ve been doing, I’ve been trying to figure out how the human side of things would go. I’ve realized that, despite everything that I could prepare for, when the aliens show up, we’re going to be getting into a war. No matter what I do, it’s impossible to keep a room full of monkeys with guns from pulling the trigger when something startles them. And you’re a room full of 8 billion monkeys.

It’s sad, but, like most insults, it has the unfortunate happenstance of being true. Individuals are smart; people are dumb, panicky animals, but you know this.

So when the question becomes, how do I prevent human beings from panicking,

the answer reveals itself:

I don’t.

The day draws every nearer.

The U.S. Government has released another UFO report. As always, it’s fucking useless. But I don’t need human beings to go along wif me, in order to actually initiate first contact.

Human stupidity is reaching a fever pitch. No, you did not shoot down a UFO; you cannot shoot down a ufo. And as people have begun taking this thing seriouser and seriouser, I’ve realized something.

I’m not the Herald.

At some point in my life, I had this dream, more like a dark nightmare, that I could use this entire thing to become famous. I thought that, wow!! This is gonna be fun!!

No. This is not going to be fun.

Similar to that Will Laren comic— no, dog! No! We are not playing fetch! Somewhat sadly, the end result of this entire debacle is going to be a World that is forever changed.

For human beings.

But, I’m not on that side.

“Who would represent ‘us’?”

Last night, I was, as always, desperate for something to read. And I found /r/HobbyDrama, and myself a time.

But then I found this: a write-up about how human beings might try to communicate with aliens.

And it hit me. This person said,

If we, as one human race, could talk to aliens – what would we tell them? Who would represent “us”?

It hit me.

Human beings have no fucking clue about what the stakes are. They have no conception of what the fuck is actually going on; they don’t understand the gravity of this situation.

No! We are not playing fetch!

Specifically, I want to make the following thing clear: there is no ‘one human race’. You’ve proven this throughout your entire existence. In fact, the idea that one species could operate under the banner of a common goal is pretty much folly; there are no real sentient civilizations that operate like that. Not even ones that possess a hivemind. (Which isn’t even what human beings seem to believe it to be.)

But besides that— what do you mean, who would represent ‘us’? Who are ‘you all’? Of all the different colors of human beings, which do you believe is most-fit to represent the whole? None. That’s impossible.

What do you mean, ‘what would we tell them’? As I have to ask on the daily, who is ‘we’ in this equation?

Human beings have no idea. They have no idea about how immature they are; how emotionally dumb they can be; how cruel their entire species is.

And you want first contact to be a transaction?

God. Fuck you.