The preceding week has been one of the worst I have ever experienced in my entire life. Though I will never reveal what’s happened, I can safely say that this is one of the big three, four, or five incidents in my life where I’m sure it’s shaved years off of my life. I would not be surprised if I got a streak in my hair after this like Ash at the end of Evil Dead 2.
That having been said, as a result, I became so sick with stress, from stress, that I had to learn how to simply ignore it. Because if I didn’t, I would have simply died.
Because of this, I have learned something. I have realized a great and universal truth.
I don’t give a fuck. About any of this shit online.
It started at 6am, yesterday. The apex of me realizing that none of this was worth anything. I received 3-4 e-mails, from a website in which I had contributed content, for free. Free work. And when I had first contributed, I had read the ridiculous, ludicrous rules, one of which was: if the admins took issue with anything that I contributed, I ‘agreed’ to ‘work’ ”with” them, to bring said content within the confines of their satisfaction.
At the time, I laughed. And still do I laugh. But now, the day has come, and the response that I knew that I would have, is here. And though it is predictabo, there is a subtle and intoxicating innocence to it: a nuance unlike any other thought I have ever even had.
No.
No.
Not bolded. Not italicized. Not in bigger font size. During this period of my life, in which I basically only have time to sleep, and I cannot even sleep, I have realized a great and abiding truth to this shit online.
Fuck you. I’m not doing it.
I’m just not doing it.
Don’t like what I typed on your website? Then take it down. There will be no genuflecting. There will be no deep and abiding ‘respect’ of people who have no deep and abiding respect of me. Right now, I’m dealing with about 4-5 different life-or-death situations, and I don’t have the fucking time, nor the patience, nor the sanity, to bend the knee to a bunch of people who are the most intolerable pricks imaginable. And that’s saying something, because you’re on the Internet, and there are many intolerable pricks here.
Before.
Before, I would check my e-mail, and be filled with adrenaline; if I had a task that I must complete, then I would feel on-edge until I had completed it.
And then I got a blinding headache for seven goddamned hours. And I realized that the vast majority of my stressors were online.
This is no way to live.
I used to think that my eye problems were caused by a combination of age and eye strain. Not so! It’s stress. It’s the stress of being on here. Of always being on edge. I could take it anymore; I could continue to be afraid. But the reality of the situation is that I am not going to go blind with worry over this.
For the first time in seven years I can see the text on my screen clearly because I just stopped giving a fuck.
I drove home, last night, my vision clearer than it’s been in 20 years. Simply because I realized, honey, if you don’t stop being in fight or flight mode, you’re going to die.
My stomach issues? Stress. My eye issues? Stress. My chronic pain issues? Muscle armoring. It had to stop.
I remember one time that I chose a profile picture— it was of a cartoon character— and the social media network I was on was so fucking insane that they said to me, change it, or we will pursue legal action. What the fuck they were on, I have no idea. But I have an answer for them:
Go fuck yourselves.
Take it down.
Take it all down if it bothers your booties that much.
I don’t care anymore. I’ve realized that this shit is not only not worth my overall health, but it is not going to last. Everything eventually decays. Why the fuck would I ever lose sleep over online shit?
If you’re reading this, you’re probably of the same stripe.
Get out.
Leave.
Abandon this stupid online bullshit that you’re trying to do.
It’s not worth it.
That time I made the Reddit admins moderate for me.
I have a subreddit. I have several, actually. And though I’ve been banned for 3 days twice, because one of the admins got offended that I commented good on a thread of a news story about pitbulls being banned in the U.K. (I think they actually edited my comment; just to make it bannable. Amazing specimens, these.), I still have control over a lot.
And I don’t want it.
I don’t want any of it.
Because fuck Redditors.
Initially I had gotten one subreddit (a three-letter one: amazing!) because I wanted to run a MILF porn subreddit. When regular people came in and wanted to use it for safe-for-work shit, I acquiesced. I thought, these are nice people.
Yeah.
Not really. Mom groups are the worst.
But then, I stopped moderating it. Because, why would I care? And Reddit gave it to someone else. And I just took it back; because Reddit is stupid, and I am smart.
It was so easy.
That having been said, as the result of it being one fo the top 1% subreddits on the website (how embarrassing!), the admins were forced to moderate it for me.
That’s right, bitches.
Sans salaires.
They put some bullshit A.I. moderation in there before it was even public knowledge. It’s probably still there, too.
Anyway.
I won.
And that’s the name’a dat tune!
All that having been said: our beloved monsters; enjoy yourselves.
As for me, I’m going to work on getting better.
If you e-mail me again about this precious nonsense, I’m only going to laugh harder.